My Issues With Donkey Kong



Okay, here's the thing. So Mario, my shitting, cocking, fat midget 'brother' is due his own game. Nintendo go up to him, kissing his faggot ass and say "Hey, Mario, who's fukken better than poor Luigi, want to be in some dumb, queer-ass little nipple of a game?" Mario, being the vulgar fuck that he is, goes "It's A-Hey, Sure. What's-a-it about?"

"It's on some shitting construction site, you have to jump over dicking frigging barrels", says Sintendo.

"Sounds like fucking-A. Do I have to get someone at the top of the fucking level?", Mario simpered.

"Sure fucking thing, you cunt", Craptendo smiled.

"And will Luigi, my brother, be involved?"

"No Way"

"Great"

CUNTS!!!! I was perfect for the role. Imagine if, all this time, Lu-fukken-igi was Mario's bad guy nemesis in the games. There'd be no fukken need for Wario, or Bowser. It'd be all about Luigi. I'm a better villain then Gene Okerlund and Marlon Dingle combined!!!

But nooooooo, Mario's sour fucking ego wouldn't allow that. Instead, they drag a fukken monkey onto the stage, A MONKEY!! what's so scary about monkeys? I could fucking kill a monkey. When i heard about the game, I threw a barrel down the stairs every fucking day. I was perfect. I was even known around town as Luigi "Barrel Boy" Mario. But then the game came out....

All of a sudden, I was "The guy that ripped Donkey Kong off". He was the new Barrel Pin Up of the month. Never mind that he was so fucking obsessed with bananas that he couldn't chuck a wooden barrel to save his life. If I saw Mario coming up the scaffolding, I'd throw that fucking barrel in his fucking face! Then I'd grab myself a spanner and go postal on his demented head and of course his nuts. Then I'd unzip my overalls and give him a taste of a real man! Then he'd see what he's doing to me. WHAT HE'S FUCKING DOING TO ME!!!!

I hope Donkey Kong's happy. Because while he was pedophillically jerking Diddy Kong off in Donkey Kong Cunt-try (in a pedophillic way), your poor Luigi had fuck all to do on the N64, besides getting screwed over in Kart and Smash Bros.

Smash Bros. is the only fun I have anymore, kicking both Mario's and Kong's fucking faggot asses. They like to kiss each other's butts, I saw them do it. I once put myself in a barrel, huddled up and cried. I was naked, alone, desperate, and nude, and I was weeping in a barrel, with a big "L" on it. And that barrel rolled. It rolled right into town, where my naked, nude, weeping form spun about it's wooden womb for all the people to see. The police could not get me out and I sat in a jail cell, wrapped in a towel, in my barrel, crying and snotting. Then, of all people, my fucking 'hero', Mario, paid the bail. And he threw a match into my barrel, and my barrel burned.

He said it was for the best. He said the barrel was gone. I never owned the barrel, it was Donkey Kong's now. And I wached my barrel burn, as slowly I undressed, and tried to climb in, in the hopes of perishing with my wooden, rounded protector.

WHY DID YOU FUCKING STOP ME, MARIO?? DID YOU HATE ME THAT MUCH?? IF YOU LOVED ME LIKE A BROTHER, WHY DIDN'T YOU LET ME DIE THAT DAY? WHY DIDN'T YOU LET ME FUCKING BURN IN MY BARREL????

This is all Donkey Cock's fault. he's not even a donkey. One day, I'm going to put a thousand needles in a banana and give it to the greedy cunt. Then, when he eats it, his inside will be cut to ribbons. And he'll be shittin out blood and ruined intestine, as he chokes and spits up a twisted cocktail of plasma and bile. And I'll laugh. Laugh while jizzing all over him. And I'll get Diddy Kond and hold his legs, and swing him into a giant pole, so his head shatters completely, but doesn't come off, and Diddy's still alive a little bit, and I don't kill him. I give the dying Donkley Kong a knife and I say "he's suffering, Donkey, he wants to die" And Diddy will be gurgling in his blood, looking up with his one good eye at his father, an eye that cries blood and looks up in prayer, beging his father for the merciful stab that will end his suffering, finally, a merciful reprieve. And Donkey Kong will weep, weep as he takes the cold, hard blade and lays a steel kiss to his own son's heart.

But there will be no time to grieve, as Luigi raises a barrel above his head and brings it crashing down to the back of Kong's skull. His end is quick, as the last of the needles splutter out of his rectum, him lying dead on the corpse of his mercifully murdered offspring.

Then, then he might be halfway there to paying me back.

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