Luigi Vs Teddy Hart

PPV Report: Luigi Vs Teddy Hart - LIVE

Submitted by: Mike Huntrash

The show kicked off with a short documentary on the histories of both Luigism and Teddyism, which included some clips of interviews with the Chief High Priest of Luigism, Dr. Lindermans, and the Guru of Teddyism himself.

The Guru of Teddyism declared that, since the bout was being fought along the guidelines of a professional wrestling 'hardcore match', that Hart would have the clear advantage - being a professional wrestler himself. The High Priest of Luigism simply countered by asking how many people Teddy Hart had disembowelled before breakfast that day. Ouch.

With the background set, we crossed to an undisclosed location, believed to be somewhere in the Nevada desert, for the first match in the 'Luigi Vs The World' series. The commentators for the night were Luigistic Prophet 'Morphine' James Sterling and Jay Seesi, one of the original followers of Luigism.

STERLING: Welcome to the inaugural edition of 'Luigi Vs The World', LIVE from ... a place that I can't say.

SEESI: Tonight, our saviour and your lord, Luigi, takes on a pretender to his crown, one Mr. Theodore Hart, the leader of the Teddyism faith. What's your prediction for the night James?

STERLING: Like you even have to ask ...

As the commentators bantered back and forth, a graphic appeared on the screen, listing the 'tale of the tape', covering the physical characteristics of the competitors, and covering some of their accomplishments.



The graphic soon gave way to a stop motion video of the two men, as the invitation-only crowd in attendance became restless in anticipation of the grand event. Eventually, the familiar tune of the 'Super Mario Brothers' theme song began to blast over the PA system, and Luigi emerged on the ramp. Luigi strode purposefully down the ramp, sliding into the ring, before acknowledging the thousands of Luigists in attendance.

STERLING: He's here! Rise up you wretched ingrates, worship your SAVIOR!

As Luigi perched on the ropes, 'When the Music Stops' by Eminem interrupted, and Teddy Hart appeared on the ramp to a chorus of jeers and boos. Smirking to himself, Hart slowly made his way down the ramp and climbed the turnbuckles, pausing for a moment before moonsaulting perfectly into the ring.

SEESI: How cliché ...

As the two men met mid-ring, a bell rang, signalling the start of the bout. Teddy Hart, attempting to intimidate his opponent, began to get in the face of Luigi, and talk trash. Luigi simply smirked back at Hart and drilled him with a stiff right hand.

Surprisingly the referee moved in to check the condition of Hart, stating that if Hart was feeling any adverse effects he would have to cancel the match. The referee's actions (justifiably) infuriated both competitors, and the responded by retrieving a pair of steel chairs from outside the ring.



Moments later a replacement referee emerged from the backstage area and the match continued. Surprisingly, and to the crowd's dismay, Teddy Hart took control of the match inside the ring, his technical background seemingly putting him at an advantage compared to Luigi's 'jump/squash' area of expertise.

SEESI: This is wonderful!

STERLING: What the hell are you saying? You deserve to be violated by a goat for saying that!

SEESI: No, I mean, Luigi is giving Hart a chance to look good! He's such a wonderful sportsman.

STERLING: Oh, that's ok then. You can violate the goat instead.

Luigi soon began to fight back, gaining momentum and taking control of the fight.



After levelling Hart with a savage clothesline, Luigi tossed him out of the ring effortlessly, before sliding out under the bottom rope himself. On the outside, Luigi began to savagely beat Teddy, drawing blood with a viscous chair shot. Unrelenting in his attack, Luigi tossed Hart up onto the German announce table (the feed was being sent via satellite straight to Hitler's bunker). Once both men were on the table, Luigi sent Hart's skull through the table in dramatic fashion, dropping him with the infamous 'Luigree'!

Looking to end the match early, Luigi rolled Hart's bloody, lifeless body into the ring, and covered him for the pin. Amazingly Hart kicked out after two, keeping him in the fight - for now.

STERLING: That's a mistake, he should have stayed down!

SEESI: Sadly, for all his athletic abilities, Hart doesn't have much of a brain.

Angered by Hart's impudence, Luigi hurled him back outside the ring, looking to inflict more punishment. Beating on him every inch of the way, Luigi eventually hauled the dead weight of Harts body onto the Turkmenistanian announce table, sending match callers Ajuk and Reeyra scurrying for cover. Summoning all of his will, Hart began to fight back, but was quickly cut off.



Hart's face finally gave way to a look of pure fear as he realised the true nature of the force he was up against. In vain, Hart attempted to fire a series of punches at Luigi, only for the Green Machine to effortlessly deflect them, causing Hart to overbalance towards him. Smiling evilly, Luigi slowly wrapped his hand around the throat of Hart, lifting him high into the air.

SEESI: Look at that lovely smile!

STERLING: Yes, Luigi has such beautiful teeth.

Bringing Hart down with an almost reckless abandon, Luigi actually laughed out loud as he choke slammed Hart through the table, sending wood flying. Luigi paused, and suddenly hopped over he barricade, heading for a blonde in the third row. 5 minutes and 17 seconds later, a refreshed Luigi returned, continuing the fight with Hart, who had just managed to climb to his feet.

Seemingly becoming desperate, Hart began to take several risks in order to stay in the match, taking to the air with frequency as he bombarded the Green God from the air. To the horror of many in attendance, Hart managed to knock Luigi out of the ring with a twisting, corkscrew senton splash (in ½ pike position).



Looking to regain the advantage, Luigi retrieved a table from under the ring as Hart scaled the turnbuckle for yet another fly attack. Looking to take out the unsuspecting ex-plumber, Hart took to the air with a signature moonsault, flying down towards Luigi. Freakishly, Luigi acted upon some sort of sixth-sense and span the table around, causing Hart to fly into the wooden apparatus, injuring only himself.

SEESI: Ha, that stupid infidel almost put himself through a table!

STERLING: I tell you, it's almost a pity he didn't put himself through school...

Upset by Hart's attempts to upstage him, Luigi progressively became more aggressive, taking the fight backstage. As the capacity crowd watched on the big screen, Luigi and Hart exchanged blows in a backstage storage area.



Taking every opportunity to inflict further damage on Hart, Luigi lifted Hart high into the air with a picture-perfect suplex, sending both men crashing through the roof of a chain link cage. The impact of the move stunned both men, several Luigists within the crowd, led by DrLindermans began a hypnotically rhythmic chant of 'Lu-i-gi', urging their hero on to greater heights.

SEESI: This crowd is hot!

STERLING: Well, I thought most of them were kind of podgy, but ... to each his own I guess.

Despite the crowd being against him, Hart rallied, fighting back with several hard chops that stunned Luigi momentarily. Inspired by the sudden reversal of form, Hart dropped Luigi with a picturesque dropkick, sending the Green Deity to the hard, concrete floor. Quickly scaling a nearby ladder, Hart ascended to the second level of the storage area as Luigi regained his footing.

Going back to his familiar bag of tricks, Hart leapt into the air, taking to the air with a breathtaking moonsault, heading straight for a slightly dazed Luigi, 20ft below. Sadly for Hart, Luigi saw the enigmatic high-flyer coming, and simply stepped backwards as Hart plummeted into the concrete floor.



STERLING: You know, I'd have thought Hart would have given up on the moonsault by now. Has he ever actually connected with one?

SEESI: I'm not sure if he's even aiming at people half the time.

Laughing mercilessly, Luigi casually strolled towards a nearby control panel, pressing several buttons as a woozy Hart clambered back to his feet.

SEESI: Wow, this is amazing ... he's re-wiring the building to save electricity. You don't become known as the 'Green God' by not caring about the environment folks.

STERLING: Not quite Jay...

Suddenly, a large trolley filled with crates exploded out of a set of roller doors, slamming the surprised Hart in the knees, sending him back to the floor writhing in agony.



Back in complete control, Luigi stomped away at Hart for several minutes, seemingly amused by the way Hart's head began to bounce rhythmically on the concrete floor. Soon, the repetitive stomping began to bore Luigi, and he began to whip Hart into a variety of different objects, ranging from wooden crates to steel guard rails. Perhaps inspired by his earlier success with wiring and electricity, Luigi slammed Hart's red, swollen body into an exposed fuse box.



Sitting back to observe the impromptu light show, Luigi applauded with enthusiasm as all of Teddy's muscles twitched involuntarily, 'sparked' into life by the 240 volts of electricity flowing through his blood.

STERLING: How sweet, he thought Hart was having trouble staying in the match, so he's taken time out to give him some electro muscle therapy.

SEESI: Always thinking about everyone else. Luigi is such a kind, gentle, giving person.

Still amused by the success of the fuse box, Luigi quickly scanned the area, searching for more ways to use the surrounding environment to his advantage. Soon Luigi's eyes became fixated on a nearby car, his face contorting into an evil looking grin as he lugged Hart's still smouldering body towards the vehicle.

SEESI: That's DrLindermans's car isn't it?

STERLING: I'm sure DrLindermans will understand the need for personal sacrifice at a time like this.



Once atop the vehicle, Luigi brought Hart crashing back into reality with a thunderous Luigree, sparking wild celebrations back within the arena.

STERLING: This could be it ladies and gentlemen, the Luigree always spells defeat for the recipient.

Luigi paused for a moment, considering a cover, but soon deciding against it. Climbing back down from the car, Luigi's eyes suddenly lit up, his attention caught by another object in the distance. A random looking forklift, sitting unused at the opposite end of the parking bay called to Luigi, beckoning him forthwith.

While Luigi wandered over to the forklift, Hart began to stir, slowly sitting up, his eyes still glazed over by the impact of the Luigree. As Luigi searched for the forklift keys of randomness, Hart took the initiative for the first time in the match ... and ran. In an attempt to escape from the match, Hart scaled the wall of a nearby truck. Once up there, Hart froze, realising that there was no way down from the precarious platform, leaving him stranded, 60 feet in the air.

As Luigi raced in with the forklift, Hart took the only option available to him.



Moonsaulting off the truck, Hart collided with the forklift in dramatic fashion, his momentum sending Luigi flying from the cab. Hart quickly scrambled to his feet with cat-like agility, shocked at the sight of Luigi laying spreadeagled on the floor.

SEESI: The bloody nerve of the guy! After all that Luigi has done for him, he goes and jumps on him like that!

Wasting no time, Hart attempted to pin Luigi, only for the Green One to kick out after two. Furious at Hart's attempts to upstage him, Luigi unleashed a series of thunderous blows into the skull of Hart, sending him back to the floor.

Taking inspiration from a nearby advertisement for 'Jackass: The Board Game', Luigi loaded Hart into a nearby shopping trolley. (Carefully removing all the worldly possessions of a nearby vagrant first.)



STERLING: This fight just became a little more intense. This Hart fellow seems to be rather resilient.

Slowly, the fight moved towards the outside of the building, both men exchanging savage blows and taking advantage of any objects that they came across.



After a impromptu game of 'Extreme Frisbee', Hart's eyes suddenly glazed over, as his gaze focused in on the nearby buildings. Staring at the balconies hundreds of feet in the air, Hart began to drool uncontrollably, his eyes still transfixed on the ledges above.

STERLING: What is he thinking? They must be 90 ... 100 ... 200 feet in the air!

SEESI: No one can be this stupid!

STERLING: Well, have you ever spoken to a Canadian?

SEESI: Touché James.

As Hart began the difficult job of scaling the walls of the buildings, Luigi calmly pulled out a mobile phone quickly issuing an order to his followers. Suddenly, a helicopter emerged, piloted by retired prizefighter Bill Cosby. Luigi grabbed onto a dangling rope-ladder, and took off into the air, in hot pursuit of Teddy Hart.

SEESI: HOLY SHIT! The Cos is a Luigist! The two most powerful forces in the world have united!

Once perched atop the highest ledge of the building, Hart took to the air, leaping towards Luigi with a picture perfect moonsault. Sadly for the leader of the Teddyism movement, the wind generated by the helicopter's blades simply pushed Hart away from the dangling Luigi, leaving Hart to crash into the cold street below.

SEESI: That might have hurt.

STERLING: Bah, I've had worse. Oh, look ... it's not over yet!

Looking to partake in some high flying action of his own, Luigi leapt from the rope ladder, his elbow crashing down into Hart's back, sending both men bouncing along the street.



Amazingly Hart began to stir first, stumbling to his feet, his eyes still glazed over. Wiping a small patch of drool from his chin, Hart looked up at the ledge above him. Still intent on connecting with his patented moonsault, Hart scaled the walls again. This time however, Luigi quickly got to his feet and scaled the wall behind Hart.

SEESI: No good can come of this situation for young Mr. Hart.

STERLING: It almost sounds like you care Jay. Almost.

Catching up to Hart on the edge of the first balcony, Luigi gripped the throat of the brash young wrestler, lifting him high into the air ... before chokeslamming him right off the edge of the building!



STERLING: Oh my God! Teddy Hart is dead! He's been martyred!

Finally satisfied with the level of damage done to Hart, Luigi callously dragged the body of his opponent back inside the building. The roar of the crowd grew louder as Luigi re-entered the building, Hart's body still in tow. In an attempt to speed up the process of transporting Hart's lifeless carcass back to the ring, Luigi gently placed Hart into a black crate mounted atop some wheels.



The crowd exploded as Luigi emerged back through the curtain, black crate still in tow. Amazingly, as Luigi approached ringside, Hart emerged from the box.

STERLING: That ungrateful sod! Luigi went to the effort of martyring him, and Hart doesn’t have the common courtesy to stay dead!

As Hart rolled into the ring, holding his back in pain, Luigi retrieved a chair from under the ring. Stretching out his shoulders at ringside, Luigi looked as fresh as he did at the start of the bout as Hart beckoned him to join him in the ring.

Once Luigi had entered, Hart lowered his head and blindly charged forward, attempting to level Luigi with a 'Running Hug of Doom'. Unperturbed, Luigi calmly slammed the chair down on Hart's head, splitting him open instantly, an arterial spray of blood shooting across the ring.



Hart's body crashed to the canvas with a dull thud, his sprit finally broken (along with several vertebrae).

STERLING: This could be it folks, Luigi just checked his watch, it appears that we're almost out of time!

Scooping Hart's motionless torso into position, Luigi prepared for the Luigree, much to the delight of every Luigist in attendance.



Slamming Hart's face into the mat for a final time with his infamous finishing manoeuvre, Luigi smiled with satisfaction as he pinned Hart's shoulders to the mat for a count of three. Overwhelmingly victorious, Luigi rose to his feet, saluting the thousands in attendance, reminding them to sacrifice their first born in his honour.



STERLING: Wow, what a victory ... I'm extremely emotional right now Jay.

SEESI: So am I Sterling, so am I ... please hold me.

STERLING: Wait just one minute folks, it seems that we have an incoming message:



HITLER: Achtung! Achtung baby! I am Adolf, Adolf Hitler! I have taken time off from my busy schedule with ze Yankees to appear here before you puny people. I was recently brought to my attention zat some green fool by the name of Luigi haz challenged me to fight in ze duel to ze death.

I am now havink accepted zis challenge! I vill reprezent ze new, environmentally focused, family orientated Nazi Party in zis great battle! I shall destroy zis green menace like I destroyed Eva's petit uterus! I shall scream every sentence zat I speak! Sieg Heil! Auf Wiedersehen! Bratwurst!

... Mmm Bratwurst.

STERLING: Well, another challenge has been answered ... We'll see you next time for Luigi Vs Adolf Hitler!

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