Hello, dear reader, and welcome to this article, where Morphine Nation places its claim to be the foremost educational tool on the internet. Upon your screen lies part one of a series which will educate you more than school ever could. In fact, if you’re at school then why not use this as a homework resource? Teachers and friends will be aghast at the amazing information you’ve learned from the most unexpected source on the Internet. Never again will you be forced to sit in the corner with the conical ‘dunce’ hat upon your head, as the teacher slaps you with his steel ruler and fellow students wank all over your face. Thanks to Morphine Nation, you’ll probably become an actual king. Of a country.
Anyway, please welcome the team of narrators for today’s intellectual escape in to the world of times past. These three men are the finest experts on history, time, science, nature, and magic that the world will ever know and so together they will be our guides. Trust them, and do not try and claim that anything they say is not true, or they will sue you until you are dead. Then, when you’re a ghost and thus able to watch from the spectral plane, they’ll piss ectoplasm on your graves. Everything they say is so true, except the bits which are lies or are they I don’t know sometimes I start a sentence and have real difficulty stopping but it’s probably just post-modernism.
Sir David Attenborough
Fun Fact: David Attenborough is known in the criminal underworld as a repeat rapist, and has raped many famous and non-famous men and women in the past. He escapes punishment by raping the police sent to capture him, in a vicious raping circle.
Sir David Frederick Attenborough is the group’s foremost expert on nature, having spent his long life working for the British Broadcasting Corporation on hundreds of nature documentaries about probably every subject available, from elephants to whelks, and from dung beetles to Special Olympic contenders. When he was a child he wanted to become a Nazi, but was too short, and so instead applied for a place at the BBC. His likes include chocolate, mouse mats, and the city of Milton Keynes. His dislikes include homophobes, gays, artichokes, and those door wedge things that teachers sometimes use to keep the class door open because it’s too hot. He is here because I need a straight man, and because thoughts of his luxurious silky tones are enough to drive anyone to masturbation.
Ian Malcolm
Fun Fact: Ian Malcolm is related to the actor Jeff Goldblum, but doesn’t like to shout about it because he hates Jews.
Ian Malcolm is an extremely well-respected chaos mathematician and scientist, and thus will be responsible for addressing the fabulous science on our journey. In 1990, Malcolm became one of the only human beings alive to ever see a living dinosaur as he visited the genetically engendered wildlife preserve of Jurassic Park. He was almost killed during the occasion, but this didn’t stop him coming face-to-face with the prehistoric creatures again a few years later, in a much-less thrilling encounter (especially the film but I quite like the book). He did have an adopted daughter, but was running low on rent-money so sold her to a pack of intelligent bears. Nowadays, he prefers to sit at home alone, perming his hair, drinking Bovril, and watching the Darts on BBC2. Ian Malcolm is here because I am obsessed with both the book and the film Jurassic Park.
Albus Dumbledore
Fun Fact: Albus Dumbledore’s favourite make of tea is PG Tips, but he is sometimes inclined towards Tetley’s. If neither of those are available, he prefers to drink piss.
Albus Dumbledore is the most powerful wizard who ever lived, even more so than Paul Daniels and Debbie. He wishes to state that he is not actually dead, and the last Harry Potter book is a lying cunt. Instead, he actually just pretended to be dead so he could then get up again and call people stupid fucks for thinking that he was dead. He’s like that, you see, always one step ahead of the chasing pack. Albus Dumbledore is our expert on magic, which he says he enjoys as much as wanking over a nice pair of big tits. In his spare time, Albus has a great deal of respect for history and science, and spends much of his time sleeping rough on the streets of London because he can’t find anywhere to live and he’s alienated his family. Oh well. Albus Dumbledore is here because I need someone to say wacky things and be a stereotype of old people because they are rubbish and old and rubbish and did I say old and rubbish? I totally went there.
Part 1
The Big Bang vs. God
Fun Fact: If a leopard were to be transported back to the dawn of time, it would immediately suffocate due to lack of oxygen.
Attenborough: I can’t remember the exact numbers, but if you believe in the theory of evolution, science, and the big bang then the universe was created seventy-five quadrillion years ago. If you believe in the existence of an impotent god, then the world was created ten years ago in about five minutes, or something like that. I am a believer in the former, due to the theory that god created man in his own image. Considering that god would supposedly be infallible, then this does not explain for the physical appearance of Mike Reid. The only thing that can explain the physical appearance of Mike Reid is inbreeding, therefore evolution is the key. So, supposedly the universe was created ages ago when something went bang and everything appeared etcetera. Eleventy billion years later and now we have Pot Noodles, so who knows what’s going on?
Malcolm: Chaos theory suggests that we can’t predict anything, ever. Anything can happen at anytime and we can’t predict it. Therefore the big bang must have been an unpredictable thing. Life will find a way. Chaos Theory.
Attenborough: That’s your answer to everything.
Dumbledore: When I was a young lad of eighteen, I owned a really big bong. It was four-foot-tall and painted in every colour of the spectrum. The father of my friend Michael Bumfluff would grow huge quantities of marijuana in his potato-greenhouse to secretly sell to the Germans during the war. To save money on food his family would eat nothing but marijuana for every meal, and whenever I’d visit them for dinner I’d wake up afterwards in a ditch, having been missing for seven weeks. We’d go in to the greenhouse and pick the choicest cannabis cuts to go in the big bong. Then we’d fire it up and smoke until we needed replacement lung surgery. That’s why they invented the NHS.
Malcolm Actually the NHS was created because of Chaos Theory.
Dumbledore: The only people who annoy me more than you do are the people who do the sign language on BBC Sign Zone. Here’s an idea- use the fucking subtitles.
Part 2
The Time Of The Dinosaurs
Fun Fact: The giant carnivore would often battle its most fearsome prey- the Mario.
Malcolm: Dinosaurs are still alive today on a couple of remote Costa-Rican islands. Life will find a way.
Dumbledore: Word.
Attenborough: Thirty thousand million years ago, or something, our world was ruled by Dinosaurs- extinct reptiles that ranged in size from bigger than skyscrapers and giraffes put together to smaller than very small baked beans. There were many species of dinosaur, such as Tyrannosaurus Rex, Diplodocus, Littlefoot, Bowser, and Denver (who was the last dinosaur). Dinosaurs weren’t as intelligent as most mammals, but some of them could talk. These talking reptiles lived in a secluded place known as ‘The Great Valley’, where they’d face complex social problems on a daily basis. Thankfully their exemplary matureness and level headed-ness helped them to overcome the social-political issues and proceed as a society with an advanced consciousness. These dinosaurs were all killed by a big meteor that burned their flesh off of their bodies.
Malcolm: Life did not find a way?
Attenborough: No.
Dumbledore: Speaking of finding a way, did you know that magic is really good for doing stuff and getting away with it? Like, I could make David Attenborough give me head right now and he couldn’t do anything about it.
Attenborough: Nor would I want to.
Malcolm: One time I was turned into a half fly, and another time I met Will Smith and we saved the world from aliens with a virus because they hadn’t invented firewalls.
Dumbledore: Wasn’t there a Disney film called Dinosaur?
Malcolm: Wasn’t there a shut up you fucking prick.
Dumbledore: What?
Part 3
The Rise of Man
Fun Fact: The colour ‘yellow’ is the fifth most-popular colour.
Attenborough: Unfortunately the author of this piece knows very little about legitimate scientific history, so he’s simply skipping through bits on his own whim. Anyway, the rise of man (lol erection). After all of the dinosaurs were wiped out by a huge dishcloth, the Earth continued to produce strange animals and plants and went through many geological states over the next tens of millions of years. However, the tree apes were slowly evolving into a more complex society of more intelligent creatures. Through the magic of evolution, the dawn of man had begun. Women were involved too, somewhere, but I’m not mentioning them because my ex-wife is one of them. Took half of everything I owned, the bitch, and then ran off with Stelios who owned the chippy down the road. Fucking cunt. If you’re reading this, Janine, I want my Corby Trouser-Press back.
Malcolm: My mother’s name was Stelios.
Dumbledore: Michael Gambon is fucking shit, he really is. I much preferred being Richard Harris. Although when I was younger, if my chums and I got bored, we’d play the pretend game. Some days I was a cowboy, and sometimes I was a King. Occasionally I was a Vietnamese prostitute.
Malcolm: Some say that the rise of man happened because of chaos theory.
Dumbledore: No, no, the rise of man occurred because one day me and my mate Wensleydale were walking down the street and we saw a giant penis coming from the other direction. Anyway, we quickly ran in the opposite direction and went to the post office to steal some sweets. I managed to steal a bag of cola bottles, and proceeded to push them into my ears until they would no longer fit.
Malcolm: Why is this section called ‘The Rise of Man’, anyway? Shouldn’t’ women be included? Haven’t they done enough to deserve a little bit of recognition? Is it not wrong that the human race can be so chauvinistic? Do you enjoy it when I finish every sentence with a question mark?
Dumbledore: When did you start caring so much about women’s rights?
Malcolm: Since I bought an absolutely delicious pair of sexy tights yesterday, darling.
Attenborough: This column is getting absolutely ridiculous, and thus it shall be ended for the time being. Join us in the future for our next edition of this multi-part series in which we shall look at Ancient Egypt, The Romans, Jesus, and some other shit. There would’ve been more in this one but the author is a bit lazy and had to write introductions for the narrators, and he couldn’t be bothered to make anymore segment pictures. The Egypt one might have Mummies Alive in it.
Go on, piss off. |
