Ya’ll muthafuckas thought I was dead, didn’t ya? God has put his deadly cross-hairs on multiple celebrities within the last 12 months, snatching one by one from the celebrity spotlight to float with uncircumcised babies in purgatory. Somehow amongst my lifestyle and sinful ways I managed to stay far from a flat line. But, I have been absent from this site. In a nutshell: Nursing School has engulfed my life. If you’re thinking of a gay/”murse” joke, don’t flatter me; I’ve heard them all. I can’t complain– I’m in a class full of good looking women and hoping to make a few G’s after I graduate from Ohio State, soooo I’ve take a few laughs at my expense in between. It has completely engulfed my existence. I am surprised my girl has stayed with me this long and put up with me during my time in college. So, I’m not a familiar face, but I’m not a new face either. Allow me to reintroduce myself. I was hired by our brave and fearless leader JCC way back in the summer time and wrote a few articles when I lived at my parents house. I loved writing and needed to get my wit and style out– Morphine Nation was that outlet. I loved writing here and with some discussion with JCC, I have made a pact for writing a weekend article so that I stay “regular” on the site. But here I am, back in action, getting ready to write about my favorite subject: Being pissed off.

It’s kind of sad when the happiest you feel in life is in the times when you’re the angriest. If you can follow that, that’s the current state of life I am in. Seeing how my life is packed full of pathophysiology, ass wiping, lifting the morbidly obese, and studying until the wee hours of the morning– being able to vent at my stresses makes them feel less weighty and hilarious. So, what more appropriate for a comeback article than to write about certain genres of people that piss me off. Sure, “things” piss us off, but that could be another (potential) article to be written… People are presumed quote-unquote “the most evolved specimens of our world.” But how come some of them are so incredibly ignorant that it simply pisses us off to the degree that nearly leads to a Mexican knife fight? It’s inevitable that where ever we go, whether it be work, school, movies, zoo, family reunion, money order facilities, casinos, libraries, circuses– there will be someone that can and will use their potential to piss us off. Here are a few of my pet peeves in our fellow human that you may find annoying too…

God Bless her illegal soul…
People who don’t know how assembly-line foodchains work
Okay, If you can imagine, I used to be one of those only white guys working at a Chipotle chain. Working with my fellow latino Americans and some illegals, I gained the value of working hard and dealing with stupid ass people. This was one of the few things I hated about that job is when people came into Chipotle with a list of orders and tried to order these for a group. This was usually a mother or a office worker who had never been to Chipotle before. OK, firstly, it’s already hard to get a n00b their burrito with a employee line that 80% doesn’t use English as their primary language– think about a n00b with 5-10 separate burritos on there. Christ wept. And it wasn’t bad enough that it was already confusing trying to get the right ingredients into each item, but now they are getting shitty and barking the fillings at me and my hombres. “CHICKEN!” “TOMATOES!” and sometimes they would get fancy with their one year of high school Spanish and bark “QUESO!” This usually fucked everyone up to get each order right, causing mass confusion and making the line come to a halt and being filled up with other customers; so not only did it piss workers off, but also the masses of burrito zombies that flooded the doors. By the end of it all, we would get a call about an hour later as a complaint that one of the employees “messed up a burrito.” Moral of the story: use the faxing option when it comes to Chipotle; its fast, simple to fill out, and it makes a fellow Chipotle employee muy divertido and shit. More restaurant pissiness was expressed through Alyzz’s affiliation with Subway and “pointers.” Pointers are people who wont say a word to you but use crude pointing and head shaking disapprovals to get their toppings. What the French, Toast? At least most of these people at Subway can speak English, utilize it! Treat your fellow Subway worker with respect and tell them what you want on their food, don’t point and be a total cuntnuggget.

Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dee. If you throw a fist pump, I’ll punch yew in the teeth…
Guidos
I’ve noticed these club going douchers for a couple years now, but I never thought it would create a national trend of orange glow zombies. With enough YouTube viral videos floating around (like this and that), you would think that America would see shame and tool bagginess (yes, I made that a word) that Guidos, and even Guidettes, bring to the table. I don’t know what I hate most about these people. It could be the cookie cut-out un-orginal characteristics; overgelled hair, oompa loompa pigmented skin, an UFC tribal logo’d shirt, cubic zirconium earrings, wristbands from the last 6 years of club hopping, roided out fake fucking muscles, pouty lips and dueces in EVERY SINGLE PICTURE, and the social skills of “nice shoes, wanna fuck?” <– You stole that from me, you Jersey Shore'd Bastards!!! These could be called a stereotypes, but their not if it's true. What ever happened to being classy people? I think it's the fact that the self tanner is blinding my very eyesight. ORANGE DOES NOT EQUAL TAN. End of story. I would rather fuck a pumpkin than a guidette, because (A) the pumpkin is less orange and (B) the pumpkin wouldn't throw up a daiquiri on me and fist pump. And now more than ever they are multiplying at the rate of rats and foreigners, or even worse… foreign rats! It'd be funny if the shows like Tool Academy & Jersey Shore would have realized as a satire to NOT be these people, but no. Girls are actually WANTING to get the Clap from Mike the self proclaimed "The Situation.” Now that the show is over for a season, these dicks get paid to tour around the USA being tools at bars. Fuck that. Fuck all these generic run-of-the-mill douchers.

Down in front, asshole
Obnoxious Fandamonium
This would piss me off as a kid sooooo hard. I loved wrestling as a kid. I would religiously watch Monday Night RAW, WCW Nitro, SMACKDOWN, and if I was an extremely good boy we could PPV some ECW or whatever WCW/WWF had to offer (Summerslam, In Your House!, etc). I was even taken to a Nitro for my 12th birthday by my dad. I was soooo pumped to see it live and maybe get a shot on TV… But, the “sign guys” had to ruin it for me. My old man did an awesome job and fulfilled my wish, but it’s hard to see DDP throw a Diamond Cutter when there are a bajillion huge poster boards trying to get their 3 seconds of TV fame the whole damn show. I know, I know, your sign along with 37 other toolbags says “HOGAN SUCKS”, we get it. Seriously, it was a hunt and peck to see the action for me and my little brother. Same goes for Foam Fingers and other things that have great intentions, but bad form and follow through from your fellow fan. Fuck, I go to Ohio State– the most biased, and ethnocentric fans and even I think it’s annoying when you go over the top. It’s ridiculous fandamonium like this that defeats the purpose of sporting events and makes you look like an idiot, and it has fueled a grudge I’ve held since then. Honestly, I think the “Bigger the sign, the less of a fan you truly are… and you have a small penis”

hahhahahhahahaha.
Twilight Enthusiasts
No need to rant– it speaks for itself. I’m just tired of countdowns and being asked on which team I’m on. I’m on team Zombie if you must ask. Eat a dick in hell and read some worthy literature or you’ll become like this Vamp Tween.

Weaksauce McGuiness from the WoW South Park episode.
Obsessive Online Gaming Cults
Online Gaming is a great way to have an outlet to a stressful life and can be an constructive hobby to forming friendships, strategic skills, and pWning n00blettes. I personally enjoy getting a double-barrel shotty and frying pan and knocking some zombie brains around in Left 4 Dead 2. But, everything, including zombie annihilation, must be taken in stride with some moderation and priorities. For some, not so easy. World of Warcraft for online gamers is like meth for a tweaker; they will play no matter what the cost, and selfishly hurt everyone in between fixes. I’m not saying all WoW players are addicted or crazy, but this drug of choice has been known to make people space out and take on some serious lifestyle changes outside the World… of Warcraft. When you come to a point in your life where every conversation you don’t have with an online gamer starts off with you telling your Vent buddies,”Hang on one second,” and ends with “Okay, I’m back guys” that’s just the cruel start. You’ll eventually sever yourself completely from the REAL world, only to be consumed in your own filth with nothing more than dried bowls of Ramen residue and cigarette butts. Gamers, you have reached a point of no return when you harbor the fact that you plan REAL events around online ones, and not vice versa. Shit is lame. Get a grip, realize that the World of Warcraft and it’s “riches” can only hold so much worth, and come join us with actual social interactions. And, please, refrain from lingo around the ladies– most will not wanna suck your dick at the sight of your Nightelf Hunter; It’s OP.

I will beat a bitch…
People that “Shhhh” other people.
If you’re in a lecture hall, library, or even a death metal concert you’ve probably heard this cliche method of getting the room quiet. I’ve heard it enough during Nursing lectures where the slightest noise is met with an obnoxious ass “shsh’ing”. Whodathunkit that simply pressing a single index finger to your lips and blowing would enrage an individual? Well, I find it quite annoying. Does anyone catch onto the irony that you actually create more noise into the environment when you actually do “shhhh”? Anyone? Anyone? I would rather here, “SHUT THE FUCK UP” than hear someone throw a “Shhh” in my general direction. Shshing is a coward’s way of telling you you’ve somehow popped their concentration bubble… fuckin’ pussies. It’s funny because I hear it from fellow nursing student who need complete and udder silence to copy notes in front of them on a slide show, but they are going to work starting out usually on a hectic, trauma filled ER floor? Shsh’ing is like a War on Terror; it creates more trouble than it’s worth and it’s highly unnecessary.

Pic unrelated… But this homie can eat some cerrul like no other…
The “One-Upper”
If you’ve ever had your story shot down by someone else, this is the guy usually responsible. “One-Uppers” are simply those douches that always try and trump your story/statement by making their story similar but +1 in “greatness”. For example,

A:”I have nearly beat all the campaigns for MW2, I’m so pumped!”
B:”I beat all of them on the hardest difficulty 4 times the opening night I got it… I’m also #1 on the Live leaderboard.”

The problem with these people is that nearly ANYTHING & EVERYTHING can be used to one-up you– like iPod compacity, how many ladies you’ve got handjives from, grocery shopping, XboX Live achievements, drinking capabilities, etc. And if for some rare occasion they don’t have anything to throw up in your face, they put on a very disinterested tone and make the smart-ass, “That’s cool” statement to make you sound like a ruhtard for even talking. These douchers are extremely hard to impress and aren’t really worth the time to try to battle them or try to contradict their statements; I feel as if its a comparison to argue with PeeWee Herman when he starts the “I know you are, but what am I?” spiel– you never get anywhere worthwhile. I try to avoid these people at all costs, and encounters don’t last very long once I get one-upp’d.

take your damn earbuds out and join the rest of the party, asshole
iPod guy at the party
This is probably one of my most despised pet peeves…. ever. Imagine a bumpin’ party: Booze is flowing, women are sweet, high fives going around the table after a Flip Cup massacre, Ping Pong balls splooshing into cups, and good tunes being thrown into this chaos to create perfect college harmony. But, there is always one guy at the party with his earbuds surgically attached to his head, sitting on the couch flipping through all of his apps/albums. You try to break the ice and make chitchat with this doucher, trying to be nice while you wait for your turn to play some beer games. But, every response starts out with “What? Sorry.” because he has to remove the single earbud to hear what you have to say, and then replaces it thinking the convo is over. But, if some reason he decides to continue the conversation he’ll try to convince you to listen to his cousin’s friends boyfriend’s indie band. “You’ve probably never heard of them, but they are like punk pop metal grunge fuck electronica newage band… pretty cool” Of course I’ve never heard of this vague as nobody band, and nobody does at this party, you asshole. Please don’t try to be that nice guy and peep this said band, because it’s 10/10 never worth the listen due to the shitty recording on Microsoft Voice Recorder and usually muffled with “redo’s” or “musical mulligans.” Another species of iPod guy is the one who changes the party music midway through the host’s song to something usually fucking retarded. For example, everyone is chilled and bumpin’ to “Party and Bullshit” by Biggie and some young twat changes it not even to the first hook to “With Arms Wide Open” by Creed. This drastic and unnecessary change in music genre totally kills the mood of the party and the party is trying to frantically pick a new song that doesn’t bring back overplayed Top 40 memories. That seriously is one of the 7 Deadly Party Fouls. NEVER EVER DO THIS!!! The host is courteous enough to let you come drink at their place, don’t be a dick and change the music without prior host/house approval! These iPod guys are using and abusing the privileges of this mp3 device in many different forms. PIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSS!!!!

The people who watch Shaytards on YouTube.
Many people on YouTube have acquired a substantial fame through funny, worthwhile, or uberly awesome viral videos. But some people are getting mass amounts of unnecessary attention by being a huge fucking fat doucher. Shaytards is from what I understand a daily video from a fat douche with a beard name Shay and his family and their daily routine. Basically nothing too substantial goes on and the blogs don’t really have worthwhile sustenance to make decent video. I guess to some extent video blogging is a way to record your memories and look back on them and laugh, but I can’t get through five minutes of this garbage because this guy is super super annoying, like a youth pastor who has had too many Surges/Vaults. The guy also kinda seems out of place because the wife is actually pretty good looking and I’m surprised that she puts up with this bearded child. Maybe he has a heart of gold, but I’m not seeing his charm in any of his posts. Not to mention the pube beard laced with a pedophile smile gives me the willies.In a nutshell: He just talks to hear himself talk and calling anything and everything with a suffix of “tard” aka “SonTard” for his son on the channel. And the funny thing is, people actually REGULARLY WATCH THIS! “The videos are being viewed an average of 200,000 times now and with 230,000 subscribers there have been over 54,000,000 total video plays.” Source Is there nothing left on YouTube for you people to watch? Have we come to the end of the internet? I would rather get Rick Roll’d a hundred times in a row than try to get entertainment out of Shaytards and the attempt of shenanigans he tries to pull.

Im gunna watch EVERY… POST… YOU… MAKE…..
Facebook Freakazoids
Facebook has an abundant potential for social connections, retrieving lost friendship, or talking to your single grade school teacher you had the hots for. There also has been a immigration from Myspace weird asses to make their mark on Facebook. Personally, I like to actually KNOW all the people I have friended on these social networking systems. I rarely ever friend random people; it’s just not my style. But, some people are extremely creepy when it comes to making friends on these things. These are people that openly choose to not provide structure and growth in a real-life friendship, but would rather stalk the dogshit out of you on Facebook.
Monologue of a Facebook stalker’s thoughts:
“Sure, I’ve never met you in real life. But hey, lets just chat on here from time to time and soon enough I’ll gain enough trust to actually meet you in person and it’ll be super awkward. From there on out I’ll probably try to set up another hangout, and when you refuse, then I’ll probably start stalking you. It’ll be as simple as calling you once, twice, twenty times… and then I’ll just start driving by your house to see if your vehicle is there. But, in the end I know it’ll be worth it and you’ll love me LOL ”
Whether the stalking actually happens or not, the hangouts and the time is truly awkward because you don’t really know these people and lack a worthwhile friendship that you would have acquired if you had known them before Facebook. Another genre within this category are the Creepers that acquire ALL of there social information through Live Feeds. I mean, everyone has done a bit of creeping; its perfectly OK and sometimes you are curious to all this publicly provided information. Hell, I do a fair share of creeping on my friends. But, here is where it presents a problem. When all your conversations with said friends start out with,”Well I saw on Facebook that…” this could make you look like one of these Facebook Freakazoids. Especially talking about their personal family pictures with random relatives is an awkward convo, try to never do it. I figure this subject more or less creeps me out than pisses me off.

Here are just a few of the things that “grind my gears.” I’d love to hear what erks you below on the comments and I’ll see ya next weekend!

Category: Comedy | // 2 Comments »