Happy Holidays, loyal readers!  Christmas is nearly upon us and in the midst of our holiday plannings, I thought I might take a moment to share with you a few facts  about this time of year.  I’ve compiled a list of utterly true truths about the Most Wonderful Time of the Year.  Jump past the cut to check it out!

• The Reason for the Season is actually Fruit Cakes.  And yes, they’re delicious.

• It’s a myth that more people commit suicide during the holidays than any other time of the year.  More people just lose their will to live this time a year.

• Bing Crosby isn’t dead.  He was cryogenically frozen.  He’s thawed out for every year so he can personally collect the royalty checks for all his Christmas Music.

• The Grinch died from cardiac arrest.  His heart was 3 sizes too big!

• The Trans-Siberian Orchestra shares the same tank as Bing Crosby.

• Everyone knows that Jesus’ birthday isn’t actually the Twenty-fifth of December.  But what a lot of people don’t know is that when Jesus was five, he threw a hissy fit about waiting until the Summer to get some presents.  In order to get him to shut up, Mary and Joseph changed his birthday to December.  They were horrible parents.

• Five-year-old Jesus was a brat.

• Kwanzaa is Ebonics for Hanukkah

• A Yule Log, despite what people may say, is made of chocolate instead of wood.  It’s okay.  It’s a common mistake.    The Pagan women would ritually hump the log on the Winter Solstice.  No one knows why the Pagan White Women used chocolate.

•  ”It came upon a Midnight Clear” means exactly what you think it means.

• …that is, if you’re thinking about the Yule Log.

• There is such a thing as an Advent Conspiracy.  It’s better known as Capitalism.

• Eggnog can be used as a blood substitute.

• There are no eggs in Eggnog, just lost innocence and sacrificial goat’s blood.

• Hanukkah is Yiddish for Casimir Pulaski Day

• Santa’s beard sparkles in the sunlight

• Mrs. Claus’s first name is Chloe

• Chloe moved to North Pole to be with her dad, who was an Climate Scientist, when she was a teenager.  She started to go to school there, where all the boys fawned over her.  But one boy seemed disgusted by her.  His name was Kris Kringle.  He was a quiet boy with rosy cheeks and a twinkle in his eye.  He had a glorious white beard.  And he was a little chubby.  Chloe became instant infatuated with the one boy that showed no interest in her.  She stalked Kris daily.  But he always seemed to keep his distance.  Then, one day, Chloe was being chased by a polar bear.  Just as the giant bear was about to slash the poor girl, Kris came swooping in, yelling “Ho Ho Ho!”  The bear, knowing who this boy was, retreated.  And in this instant, Chloe knew who Kris was too.  Kris took Chloe into his arms and raced towards the south, towards the sun.  Once in sunlight, Kris set Chloe down and turned around.  His beard sparkled!  “Say it,” Kris said, “tell me who I am.”  Chloe stammered,  “You’re….Santa Claus.”  And then they fell in love.

• The proper way to hang a stocking is to make sure that there is an actual foot in the stocking.  This will ensure that you have a proper sacrifice should Zombie Jesus awaken a few months early.

• Teenage Jesus actually made the first Christmas Tree.  There was an old man that lived on his street.  This old man had a great pine tree in his yard(which is remarkable, considering they lived in the middle of a desert.)  Jesus didn’t care for this old man.  He thought he smelled.  That year for his fake birthday, Jesus got a hand saw.  Jesus took his saw and cut down the old man’s tree.  He then threw it through his window and into his fireplace.  The old man’s house subsequently burnt to the ground.

• Teenage Jesus was an asshole.

• Life went swimming for Kris and Chloe.  They were madly in love.  But one day, Chloe was trampled by some reindeer.  Kris realized that they could never be together, so he took his reindeer and flew away.  Chloe was heartbroken.  She was so infatuated with Kringle, that she’d put herself in dangerous situations…like teasing Polar Bears and attempting to find the Northwest Passage.  But the worst thing she did was to lead on a poor Inuit boy named Frosty.  Frosty was a nice boy who had a tendency to walk around without a shirt on.  Frosty loved Chloe.  He loved her so much that he showed her his secret.  He could turn into a Snowman.  This freaked Chloe out a little bit.  But it freaked Kris out even more.  Kris had sent his midget servants to spy on Chloe.  He was horrified to learn that she was fraternizing with a snowperson.  He raced back to the North Pole and reclaimed Chloe as his own.  Chloe was totally fine with this, but Frosty was a little miffed.  Chloe decided that the only way for her to keep Kris with her is to have sex with him.  Kris, being a practical boy, was less keen.  His massive girth would surely crush her.  Chloe countered that he could make her like him.  Make her a Claus.  Kris was even less keen on this, since he knew what Chloe would have to give up to become a Claus.  She’d have to become fat.  Kris finally decided that he would do it, but only if she’d marry him.  Chloe was a little bit of a crazy bitch and felt that was a deal breaker, but her crazy wore off and they got hitched.  But she got crazy again and sexed him while she was still human.  So Chloe shattered her pelvis.  But that’s not all.  Kris had impregnated her.  And this baby was growing fast!  In the matter of days, the baby came to full term.  And then it burst from Chloe’s belly like a bowl full of jelly!  As Chloe laid dying, Kris finally turned her.  She became a magnificent Claus!  White hair and full(!) figure.  They named their daughter…um…Julia Child.  Frosty fell instantly in love with Julia and vowed to marry her.  All parties agreed that this was a little creepy, but everyone lived happily ever after.

• The correct pronunciation of Poinsettia is “Look what you wasted your money on!”

• If you don’t kiss under the Mistletoe, your children get cancer.

• The Salvation Army doesn’t take donations from illegal immigrants or homosexuals.  At the end of the day, the bell ringer is required to subject all of their donated money to the Salvation Army’s patented BADPR3000 machine that detects if the donater is an alien or a homosexual.  The tainted money is then donated to the GOP.

• Tis the season to be jolly.  Unless you’re an atheist.  In which case…tis the season to have your cake and eat it to.

• Only assholes call bells “Jingle Bells”.  They’re bells.  They jingle.  We get it.

Category: Comedy | Tags: bing crosby, casimir pulaski day, Christmas, eggnog, gop, hanukkah, jesus, kris kringle, kwanzaa, mistletoe, New Moon, salvation army, solstice, Twilight, twilight sucks, yule log, zombie jesus // 5 Comments »