Sometimes I do things I shouldn’t, but this time I believe what I did was not wrong. No matter what the courts said about the last time, I knew this wouldn’t be considered “stalking” so much. I had been laying in bed, when Rudolph came on tv. I just love Rudolph, I think that the misfit toys are so cute, and I could just eat them up, and play with them and hug them, they would be the best little….I’m getting off topic here.

So on this said night, I jumped out of bed, the look in my eye. I could hear my boyfriend sigh, for I think he knew what was going. “I’m not bailing you out.” Was all he said as he changed the channel. I turned around, my finger pointing at him, “YOU DO NOT TAKE THAT TONE WITH ME” And with that I jumped out the window. I must have forgotten we were on the second floor, I tend to get that way when I’m ready for a mission. That was until I hit the tree outside the window. As I fell to the ground I realized I was still in my pajamas, not exactly stalking attire.

I sighed, and walked back up the stairs. Grabbing a pair of pants and a coat, I heard laughter, and decided to ignore it. I walked down the stairs this time, and used the door. As I hopped in my car, I was happy that it was working this time. I decided to head to Gotham, to my good friend Selina Kyle because I had to hand it to the girl, she was good at the sneaking thing (How I know that is another story for another time). I stopped by the store, picking her up a gallon of milk, for how could I show up empty handed.

After a 2 day drive (For some reason I ended up in Metropolis, it seems that I mixed up my comic books! Damn it) I ended up at her apartment. Thank God that creepy looking Penguin guy wasn’t there, his fingers just give me the heebie jeebies. Smiling I walked past her, “I need to get to the north pole.” She just looked at me, and licked her arm. My eyebrow arched, but I held back the comment that I so wanted to use.

“Laurie…” She said with a sigh, “Why do you need to go to the North Pole.” I just smiled, that wicked glint in my eyes “I’m on a mission, and don’t get in my way.” I pointed to the hose, and she stepped back. “I need to get there, and I know you can help me.” She laughed, and just as she was about to say something a big black bat looking thing jumped in the room. My utter hatred for Batman made me scowl, “GET OUT!” I yelled, randomly throwing a lamp at him, Of course he ducked, “Fuck it” I yelled at Selina, “You keep bad company.” And with that I was out the door, still wondering how I would get to my man.

Santa! Yes, I was on a mission to Santa, the big man, the one who fills my favorite time of year. I just love Christmas, more than any other holiday. Unlike my brother, who was always a big fan of Hallo….WAIT!

I know who I will go see, I don’t know why I didn’t think of it first. I smiled, wandering out into the woods. (In a horror movie this would be the part where I was murdered, but it turns out this isn’t that type of story.) Finally I came upon a row of tree’s, and upon seeing the pumpking I opened the door (YES I realize that Christmas was two over NOW, but at the time my mind was set.) As I fell into the tree, I was amazed at how different I looked in Halloween town. I knew my brother would be jealous, for this is his favorite movie! I was going to find Jack Skellington, but the fact that I hate Nightmare Before Christmas stopped me, and instead I went straight to Ogie Boogie! This man knew a bit about kidnapping Santa, and though all I wanted to do was find him, I figured I could get some pointers.

Once I got down to his lair, I realized my mistake. Though it was to late, I pressed my body against the wall and tried to hum the theme to Beverly Hillbillies, because it had never failed me. This time was the one time it would, that creepy mother fucker came close to me, and his breath reminded me of someone I once dated. My face twisted in pain, and I coughed, “I made a wrong turn Mr. Boogie” He laughed, that freaky laugh that scared me as a child. And I climbed back up the wall with all my might, though he managed to pull my pants off.

So here I was, in Halloween town, now pantless. I figured this was the best time to high tail it out of that place. Just as I was about to cry, Jack came up to me shaking his head. “Child, if it is Santa you wish to find, you need to look in your heart.” I looked up into those eyes, my heart beating hard, I opened my mouth and uttered, “Shut up.” As I kicked my foot out and this body fell to the ground. What I didn’t need was a talking skeleton trying to make me feel good. I need fucking Santa. I looked at the ground wondering just what it was that was making my head all fuzzy. THUD!

I woke up back in the land of people, “FUCK!” I yelled out, and realized I was still in the woods. I lifted my eyebrow, and was relieved to find my pants back on. “Welcome back!” I said, and they wiggled in joy to be back on my legs. I stood up, realizing what I needed to do. Pulling out my cell phone I dialed a good friend, one I knew would help me out. “GRINCH!?….Its Laurie!”

Warning: Laurie is a little bit of a flake, there are bound to be some mistakes in here. Get off her case, she is busy stalking!

Category: Comedy | Tags: batman, Catwoman, Grinch, Halloween Town, Nightmare Before Christmas, Santa, Stalking // 5 Comments »