Semi-inspired by Zoomeister and Seattle Freeze, I bring you Sex Don’ts. Not sure if there will be any sequels or not, but here goes!

Foreplay

1. While giving her head, don’t blow into the vagina then try to cram your fist in. She will not appreciate your attempt to “play sock puppet.”

2. Same thing applies to the asshole.

3. When biting your mate on your neck, don’t use such phrases as “I vant to zuck your BLOOD”, “1! 2! 3! 3 hickies! Ah, ah, ah!”, or pretty much any phrase from Twilight.

4. Don’t make a comment about how her nipples look like twin towers or that you’re a randy, naughty terrorist.

5. Don’t make a comment about her nipples looking like the twin towers from Lord of the Rings either.

6. Don’t compare ANY part of her body to your mother’s, sibling’s, cousin’s, or her family. Even if it’s true.

7. Don’t talk about videogames. For that matter, try not to talk at all.

8. Your dirty talk is always going to be either too dirty or too lame unless it’s exactly what she wants to hear. If she asks for dirty talk, smother her with a pillow.

9. In the event that there are no pillows, say something so horribly nasty that she’ll never forgive you, then muff dive immediately to make her forget.

10. NEVER initiate dirty talk unless it’s something you heard during a porno you think she’d like. Hint: there is no real dialogue in porn.

11. When she’s giving you head, it’s not acceptable to say you’re going to “make her a glazed donut.” It’s funny, but you’ll probably stop getting head, so it’s only funny for all of 5 seconds.

12. Swimming the Red Sea is easy. Drinking from it may cause Dude Cancer.*

13. Don’t ever say the following: “My ass is sore and bleeding, could you kiss the booboo and make it all better?”

14. Don’t comment on 2 girls, 1 cup.

15. Don’t promise to give her head, then when it comes time to, Rick Roll her.

16. If she Rick Rolls you, you are legally obligated to choke the life out of her.

17. If she turns down your offer to give her head, PUNCH HER IN THE FACE AND RUN. THE INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS HAS BEGUN!!

18. If she’s giving you head, don’t fart.

19. DON’T SHART EITHER.

20. If she bites, you’re legally obligated to wrap your legs around her head and squeeze until it pops.

21. “Dick in a box.” Not nearly as successful as advertised.

22. Don’t c…you just came, didn’t you? It’d better have been in her mouth.*

23. Don’t raspberry the vagina.

24. ESPECIALLY don’t raspberry the asshole unless you want “mudpie blowback.”

25. Don’t rename her clitoris Waldo and tell her you can’t find it.

26. Don’t expect to hear the ocean if you put your ear up to her vagina.

27. Don’t gargle in her vagina.

Fucking

1. Mushroom tattoos. Great in theory, but leave it for shaming only. Remember, she has teeth. So do beartraps. And I’m not putting MY nuts anywhere near beartraps.

2. Even if she’s a fat chick and even if they seem to enjoy it in porn, don’t fuck the flab.

3. Don’t fuck the armpit.

4. ESPECIALLY IF THEY’RE GERMAN.

5. DON’T COMMENT ON 2 GIRLS, 1 CUP.

6. Sex is supposed to be spontaneous, not orchestrated. I guess what I’m trying to say is don’t invite an orchestra to watch while you have sex.

7. The Kama Sutra’s pretty awesome, if you want to see Indians fucking. Leave that “turn yourself into a fucking pretzel and fuck sideways” shit to the professionals.

8. Toys are awesome, but please please PLEASE don’t sing “I wanna be a Toys R Us kid” while using them.

9. If she’s on top and she farts, you are legally obligated to pull a reversal and throw her ass onto her back with your dick still in her and continue going forward bending her until her back snaps in half.

10. Just say no to spooning. It doesn’t even belong in sex.

11. In the event you unlock the majestic golden gates (are allowed to have anal), don’t fuck it up by asking for it like this: “i can has roto rooter time?”

12. Or “hanky stanky.”

13. Never say “Could we wrap this up? I’m supposed to be having sex with your sister in 5 minutes.”

14. Don’t scream out someone else’s name. Especially if they’re a relative.

Afterglow

1. Don’t use her panties to clean up your cum.

2. Don’t forget to take off the condom when you go to pee.

3. DON’T COMMENT ON 2 GIRLS, 1 CUP.

4. If the condom breaks, you forgot the condom, or any number of other reasons that could arise to indicate she’s probably pregnant, it’s perfectly acceptable to go “This is aaaaaaall a baaaaaad dreeeeeeam…goooooo back to sleeeeeep” and then RUN! RUN, NIGGER, RUUUUUN!!

5. A lot of women believe that now is a perfect time to talk, regardless of whether you’re just trying to relax and soak it in or full throttle go to sleep. They are wrong. Smother them if they try.

6. If you’re like me and choose to take care of your mess by rubbing your shit into your own chest, don’t randomly run into walls “chest spackling.”

7. Don’t use your pets to clean up your cum.

8. If she claims she didn’t enjoy it, didn’t cum, didn’t feel it, or whatever, PUNCH HER IN THE CUNT AND RUN. THE INVASION OF THE SNATCH SNATCHERS HAS BEGUN!!

9. If you confirm she isn’t a snatcher of any kind and she’s still bitching, you are legally obligated to wipe it off in her asshole and let her know the next time she has to go she’ll have “iced brownies.”

10. If you just had sex in a pool, make sure kids’ swim class isn’t arriving within an hour.

*Turn in your man card. NOW.

Category: Advice, Comedy, Dating, News | Tags: do, fuck, not, sex // 5 Comments »