After two months of gluing glitter on my boyfriend, I finally realized I had a problem. Truth is, I didn’t actually realize it, but noticed that he had packed his stuff and booked it, a note saying “You have a problem” was placed where his head once lay (His head that couldn’t seemed to pull the glitter off the way Edward does, Oh Edward).

Alone my mind goes into overdrive

So as I was watching my copy of Twilight for the nineteenth time (Mmmm, Edward), I decided it was time for a mission, one that would require skill, and a tad bit of luck. Oh and my GPS system, yes I would definetly need that (For however could I find my Edward without it). But first things first, I needed to find the address of the person I was going to find, the person who had captured my heart. Robert Pattinson (a.k.a. Edward).

Ahhhh, the internet, my haven, my home away from home. How you would help me find my true love, my prince, my sparkly vampire. Of course finding out where he lived would be rather difficult, or so I thought.

$2,356.34 later, I had his address in hand and hoped in my Thunderbird. My New Moon soundtrack blasting, and my Edward bracelt dangling from my arm. Turning the key, I bounced up at down. After twenty minutes I realized I wasn’t going any wear. Drats, the battery had died. My Edward doll looked at me, and I shook my head, “No, we can not fly there, that would leave behind a trail of mess.” Edward never was one for good ideas. Picking up my mini lover, I walked out of the car, and headed towards California (I’m coming Edward)

A trucker, A taxi, and a weird women later, I was in the town, the town of my vampire prince. Oh Edward, wherever could you be. I ran up to a women, who must have known where he lived for she looked sophisticated, and would of course carry the information I needed to find my love. As I shook her frail body, my mouth foaming I realized that I had shook a little to hard. Her frail body lay in my arms, and I had the sudden urge to bite her. For everyone knows that if I were to expose her blood then the vampires would find me. Yes, they would find me and make me one of there own.

Sophisticated Old Women should know everything!

As I was about to bite her, I realized I did not like the taste of flesh, and threw her body in a bush. Thankfully I was in California, and they really don’t notice things like dead bodies.

My mission had been delayed enough, and I still had the smell of old women on me. Though I wanted to go straight to my prince (Oh Edward), I had to make a pit stop. For not only did I smell of old dead women, I had a twig stuck in my hair, and I was fairly certain I had stepped in poo (and a dignified women, like myself, must never show up smelling of poo.)

So I walked into a store, the girl behind the counter gave me a look. I just shrugged my shoulders, and said “Edward”, knowing she had to know that I was on a mission. She nodded her head, or rolled her eyes, I can not remember. FOr at that moment my vision was clouded with glitter, oh glitter (oh Edward), as I turned to meet my prince I was saddened to not see my prince, but just a showcase of glitter. This was getting out of hand, and I knew that.

I changed my clothes, fixing my hair, and cleaning off my shoes. I slammed my money down on the table, “HURRY!” I yelled at her wanting to continue on my mission. She just nodded again and I walked out. She yelled something about change, but I just laughed at the poor soul. “I am off!” I yelled at no one in particular, and walked down the sidewalk heading to the house of my dreams. (Oh Edward).

Of course, by this time the sky had turned a crazy shade of purple and pink. It was so mesmerizing, that I could only take it as a sign. For this beauty reflected the beauty of my love (Oh Edward), and as I closed my eyes I could smell the scent of flowers. Now had I not closed my eyes at this time I would not have been hit by the guy speeding down the sidewalk on his bike (SERIOUSLY!? WHO DOES THAT!?). I could feel the blood coming out my nose, and as I was about to wipe it up, I remember, Vampire! I smiled and thanked the man, who was lying on the floor, his leg twisted in an odd fashion, “You should get that checked out dude!” I smiled as I walked on, and I think he yelled a “Thank you ma’am” my way, for I was such a generous person.

I finally saw it, the home in which my true love lived (Edward! Oh my Edward!). I reached in my bag, pulling out my mini Edward, “You are going to meet your Daddy!” I said, and as the words left my lips I had a moment of doubt. Was I really going crazy? No! This was Edward for Christ sakes, liven up women!! I pushed my hair behind my ear, and felt the blood crusted upon my nose. I smiled as I looked up the gate that enclosed his house. HA! As if that could stop me, reaching in my bag I pulled out the hook that I had taken from my ex, and swung it up. Turning to make sure no one was looking, I smiled down at my mini Edward, “Hang on Spidermonkey” Getting on top of the fence, I fell down. Of course in movies this always looks like it doesn’t hurt that much, but the scream that escaped my lips said otherwise (I fear I have a concussion).

Of course I regretted this immediately, for I heard noises, so I got up running to hide behind a bush. I had to think fast, for a scream such as mine would be loud enough to get me in trouble. Looking up, I smiled for of course the window above me was open. How could I get so lucky! I hoped up, peaking inside, and then jumped in.

Now this house, this wonder haven, my future home, was more wonderful than I could ever imagine. I knew that my Edward was here, for I could feel it in my bones, as if they were sending off Edward vibes. I slammed my body against the wall, humming the theme to James Bond. I then realized that this was not a movie, and that the sound might actually give me away. Shaking my head I looked down at my small Edward, “Why didn’t you stop me” He looked at me with those eyes, and I just smiled, “I could never be mad at you.”

Suddenly I heard his voice, though I didn’t care what he said. I walked right to it, my feet leading the way. It was as if all my dreams were coming true, and I could hear the faint sound of music playing (or maybe that was the concussion) Either way it led me, and then I turned the corner and there he stood. Suddenly the smile that was on my face faded, and I looked upu into his eyes, “Hey you don’t sparkle.”

Five days in Jail, $5,000 dollars in fines, and one helluvah begging session later, I lay in bed with my boyfriend. I am no longer allowed to by glitter, and I have to stay at least 5,000 feet from Robert Pattinson. OH well just another day in the life of a stalker.

Category: Comedy | Tags: death, jail, Old People, Poo, problem, Robert Pattinson, Sparkly, Stalking, Twilight, vampires // 11 Comments »