I’ve rec’d a few question posts in my advice thread in the phorums so…it’s that time! My responses!

But, seriously, I hope my advice helps you all in y0ur day to day struggles with relationships, sex and, in most of Morphine Nation’s case, an erection.

You can thank me later…bring a towel.

Dear Freeze,

I am unable to attain an erection without first tasering an Orthodox Jew into a coma.

Would this be considered a crime against humanity, or does The Hague not have authority over foreplay activity?

-I have serious issues that possibly spill out into my real life. (Al)

Dear I have serious issues,

I’ll answer your questions first. No, it isn’t a crime against humanity unless you’re found guilty in a court of law for your indiscretions. I’m surprised you even ask about foreplay activity and the legal repercussions of such…you taser people to get off-does it really matter? People don’t decide on what their fetishes are-yours just seem a bit more extreme because you’d like the subject of your fetish to be comatose. The fact that it has to be an orthodox Jew does raise some questions about your heritage and background. But note…you taser Jews to get off-does it really count?

That said-you probably need to seek help…the kind that includes hallucinogenic drugs, padded rooms and a brand new personality! One of which, we’ll grow to love here at the Nation, I assure you.

So, now you have 2 options, you can carry on and taser your erection into existence or seek therapy of which, I’m sure, you’ll bring about another facepalm-worthy personality for me to ‘fix’.

I can’t get an erection without imagining Creed tasering an Orthodox Jew.

Once I saw it happening, but the lead left the pencil as soon as he got the taser out.

-Missing my erection in Australia. (Ano)

Dear Missing my erection,

If I were you, I’d find more credit-worthy things to focus on to revive the old dingaling. I’ve given this advice to JCC and once he finally took the advice, he’s never been happier. Here’s the advice:

Start dating. Not girls. You’re far too intense for women. You need a man to stand up to you, push you around and rape you within an inch of your very, very small penis’ life. Just think about it-a real man will take you out, pay for dinner, open car doors, give you back massages, multiple orgasms and possibly even buy you diamonds! What more could you want?

I can’t get an Orthodox Jew without imagining Creed tasering an erection. It’s a massive problem.

-Jewless on Morphine. (Luke)

Dear Jewless,

Have you thought about trying to ‘get’ other religions? I hear Mormon girls put out easily… But beware-these girls will want you to convert to their religion and start making babies before you have a chance to get the condom on.

Or you could always just need Al taser your erection into play? Of course, knowing Al, he’d want to play with it afterwards but as long as you’re ok with that, you should have no problems in the bedroom!

I can’t taser Milo’s peen without first seeing Al Creed wearing detachable, velcro sidecurls and reading from the Torah.

-Less feather, more taser! (feather)

Dear Less feather,

Since I’ve never seen Al wearing detachable velcro sidecurls, I can’t say I understand this. I’m sure though that you might be on to something. I’m quite positive that seeing Al in such a way would bring me to taser something I hold dear also. His lisp echoing in my head would bring about a rage so deep that nothing would survive the currents of the weapon of my choice.

But, I digress-if you must see Al in order to taser Milo, then so be it-set up a web cam in Al’s home for this purpose and make sure you link it to Morphine Nation so we all can enjoy the passionate rage that comes with. His own vlog, if you will.

Maybe you can help me.

I have a crush on a woman here at work, but I don’t think she even knows I exist. I have tried complimenting her, but usually it results in swearing and a quick “that is not directed at you.”

I installed some malware on her machine, hoping she would have to call me for some support (I am in IT) but that did not work. I think she might be self-sufficient.

Any ideas? I was thinking about maybe flattening a couple of her tires, maybe she would then need some help and I could be a “hero,” but that seems maybe a bit extreme?

-Crushing on coworker. (TeddyKGB)

Dear Crushing,

Flattening tires could actually result in the opposite level of affection you want from this girl. Because, for example, she could have just bought new winter tires for her car last month and declined the extended warranty which would have covered unforseen damage on the tires. So…I’d steer clear of physical damage to her property-plus, she could see you through her office window (if, of course, she has one) and since your parking spot might be right next to hers you might not like the payback she has in store for your SUV (or car…whatever) so it’s better to be safe than sorry, don’t you think?

It sounds like you need a little help with the flirting process.I bet you’re the kind of guy who makes inappropriate comments about how good her ass looks then follows up with an apology, right? Have you ever thought of just running with it? Seeing where it goes? Does she seem like the type of girl that would freak out if you were honest?

Unfortunately for you, this girl is A. either too stupid to see your attempts at flirting and passes them off as a friendly coworker, a guy with a possible girlfriend so he’s being very careful in what he does/says so as to not get in trouble or thinks that you hate her or B. sees right through your shitty flirting ritual and just wants to be told point blank ‘I like you, let’s go to lunch’.

That said, you mentioned that the installation of malware on her computer didn’t bring about any melodramatic explosions of estrogen-infused temper fits so I’d say your girl fits the B. personality. Because of this, you’ll have to be 100% sure that you are willing and able to handle a type B personality. A girl who knows what she wants and can fend for herself. And independent woman, if you will. A woman that will call you on your shit yet still kick back with you with a beer and play some video games. If you think you can handle it, you definitely should make the girl know what’s going on in your head without playing too many games.

Now the coworker bit is a little more tricky. Personally, I think it’s kind of messy but…not unworkable. Just understand that work is work and play is play. If you keep those 2 things separate and both agree that they should be separate, you should have no problems. Making out in the stairwell or fornicating in the bathroom near your office is probably not something that should happen unless, of course, you hate your jobs-then all is fair.

Girls like the chase (the hunt) but, let me tell you…they are like raccoons with ADD-hard to keep their attention unless you are very very clear with them what you want or need.

I hope this helps. Let us know what happens.

_____________________________________________

Here at the Nation, we’re not just a website, we’re an interactive community.  If you liked this post, hated it, have any questions, or have anything else to say, do me a favor and hit the “Register” link over on the sidebar and leave a comment with whatever feedback you might have.  And while you’re at it, sign up an account on the Morphorums as well and join our awesome online community!

Need a little more incentive? What better way to contact me personally than to send me a private message in the Morphorums? I’m waiting…

Category: Advice | Tags: Advice, australia, coworker, diamonds, estrogen, flirting, foreplay, fornicating, issues, JCC, jew, malware, massages, Mormons, relationships, Seattle, sex, taser, The Hague, tire slashing, velcro sidecurls, vlog // 15 Comments »