An Origin Tale For The Ages.
I have traveled a long and varied road to arrive here to work for the nation and its much darker and longer than most know. You see I am an immortal and not the glittery gay kind either. I am the stuff that nightmares are made of and eat glittery vampire pricks for lunch. I also eat ass kissers, attention whores and stupid people like a fat kid eating candy. I felt it was high time that my road to this soon to be stellar web site was made known. Follow after the jump if you’re brave.
I was born in the late 1200’s in Scotland and stood with Wallace and his men before they did him dirty. In fact it was my clever parchment one liners that kept up moral at the battle of Stirling Bridge. Classics like how many English does it take to hold up an arrow? Depends on how good your aim is. Wallace use to love those, jokes and after his death I fled Scotland for what is today Romania where things turned odd. I was drinking in a tavern late one night when I was bitten by a mysterious gentleman in a bright blue robe. Turned out that it was Vlad the impaler’s great, great, great grandfather and I became a creature of the night. I refuse to use the word vampire as that term has become stained with the stench of foul mouth breathers
After slaying a few thousand Turks for being ugly I headed to Germany to make damn sure Gutenberg, got the damn printing press invented. I was so sick and tired of mugging monks for parchment to write my wonderful sonnets to murder, rape and drinking blood of the stupid. As the centuries rolled on I wandered the world doing pretty much as I pleased. I finally settled in the Americas around the time of the revolutionary war and while I may or may not have hand in a few assassinations and some strife I kept mostly off the radar until the day Al Gore single handily invented the internet. Its birth has created a new race of creatures that could have only been spawned from the pits of Hades.
Seeing the threat long before anyone else, I found myself a home on a very little forum and hung around there combating these foul creatures with many fine humans. These things don’t go after blood or meat no they feed on the intelligence of humans. They drain their victims to the point where words like rolfcopter, teh, omg, l33t and other bastardized words are the height of cool. They think things like cats being tortured with keyboards and those ever disgusting glittery vampires are high art. These monstrosities are what led me to these forums and in turn the blog and its where I at my very advanced age battle these mindless goons daily.
While I am on good terms with the command staff of the site I never felt the need to bury my head up their asses to get what I want. I used my immense talent and a healthy respect for them to obtain my place here. Granted while I would never go the ass licking route I wouldn’t hesitate for a second to sink my fangs in to their necks, if feeling famished.
The site I call home is strong and filled with intelligent people, but I fear even it can’t survive the intelligence sapping plague that is the internet. Even now I can’t help, but feel that we are being infiltrated by these internet zombies. Never fear though gentle readers I have no plans on surrendering at this point, I was always be in the shadows watching the human world and writing a nice witty post for the masses every now and again. May Luigi bless and keep you all.
Thank you Bruce, this read is a good way to start a very long day! Not too often I have a smile on my face this early on a Monday…
‘Tis true, my Lord…they come in droves to pillage and claim all that is good and right for their foul partaking. I shall stand by you diligently and steadfast as we, together, rid the Nation of these unworldly beasts.
Oh, I can’t WAIT to hear about the bloodsucker at the halloween party!
I suppose as obvious parodies go, this was obvious – so you know, congrats on that i guess.
Where IS Captain Obvious when you need him?
Capt Obvious is driving the bus full of Strode haters. Twilight would drive it, but he prefers to sit in the back with a mask on.
Enter bus jokes…
As what some would classify as a ‘internet zombie’, and maybe even an ‘ass kisser’ I love the article
. But then again (as an ass kisser) I tend to like all the articles here. Oh well 
. Made me giggle.
It’s a parody, yes. But as a humorous origin story, it works really well. I actually think the character version of you introduced here could be used in future adventures, fighting off people from other sites, a la ILPIJ or something like that.