Now I realize you all have been reading Ano’s installments of how the Morphine Halloween party went down but did you all take into account that he’s a stark raving mad alcoholic Australian prick? Probably not.  And anything Ano ‘sees’ is what he ‘sees’ through beer goggles, right? Except, since it’s backwards in Aussie land (please note how they gauge temperature over there), then you can imagine it’s the opposite of what we’d see in beer goggles.

Well, leave it up to me to clue you in on how things really played out. Enter the Seattle perspective:

The beginning part of Ano’s story was probably a bit different than he told but since I wasn’t there, we’ll have to give him the benefit of the doubt on that one…until he got to the party, that is.

Sure, he met J but he didn’t kill J…in fact, it was quite the opposite. See…Ano’s recollection of what happened at the Halloween party exists only in his head…while he was unconscious…after J punched him in the face. Everything he thought he ‘saw’ happened only in the deep recesses in the very fucked up mind of an Australian playboy in the street outside the MN party.

So now that we’re all on the same page, I’ll move forward.

The party sounded like it was already hopping by the time I pulled my Maserati into the drive. The space marked ‘Seattle’s spot’ was a nice touch that I had requested of JCC before I’d even think about accepting the invitation to this lame ass party of internet misfits instead of rocking the night away in Seattle with my girls.

“Hey J”, I said with a wink and a smile that I knew melted the hearts of every man within 10 feet of me. “What’s with all the blood?”

“That Aussie bastard, Ano. He’s lying in the grass on the other side of this bush if you’d like pics. One hit…that’s all it took…didn’t even have to taser him first.”

“Oh my God…why is he not wearing pants?”, I exclaimed as I knelt next to him.

“He’s been twitching a lot and mumbling some shit about shrooms and protege’s and Trudes and Honey or killer rum-can’t make it out. The guy must be having some wild dreams.”

“Poor Ano-bear…what have you done to yourself?”

I pulled out my cell phone and snapped a quick shot, forwarded it to all my friends with a crude comment about the size of his penis (small…really, really small), kissed him on the cheek and flitted off into the party.

As I walked in the door, the first thing I saw was this:

“JCC, it’s so nice to meet you. You look…lovely…tonight.” Note to self: address the ‘gay’ issue with JCC in the very near future.

“Hey Seattle, how are you? I was just telling the guys about you and they asked if you could do an article on how to give a proper blow job…could you? Please?…please?”

“Well, I hate to disappoint so, I’ll find some time in the next month and do that…just for you.” Another wink but this time, knowing it has no effect on gay guys, it was just for fun. “I’m going off to find a drink…I’ll catch up with you later.”

The bar looked like any bar at any party I’ve ever been to except this one was littered with cheap ass Canadian beer. Ugh…I HAVE to teach these Canadians to drink better. Coors Light does NOT count as beer. It’s when I made that declaration when I noticed this across the bar trying to catch my eye:

“Why Mr. McGee, is that a new belt buckle or are you trying to get me to pay attention to your nether regions for some other reason?”

“Why yes ma’am, it is.” He stuttered as his face turned red and stared at the floor.

“It’s very nice…somewhat…magnetic, if you ask me.” Wink.

“Would look good on your bedroom floor, I recon.”

“Oh Bruce, what have I said about your flirting abilities? I need you to think about it in your head first before you say it out loud, ok?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“And stop calling me ma’am, I’m not an old lady.” I leaned forward and licked his chest all the way from his nipples up to the brim of his cowboy hat. “That’s for old time’s sake.” Wink.

At that moment, I felt a cold rush of liquid trail down my back… “Fuck!”

“Oh, my bad! OMG, are you ok? Like, I was like…just walking and like…I tripped and well, OMG-you’re Seattle Freeze! You hate me! bwahhahahhaha.” Came the girlish voice behind me.

“And, YOU just ruined a silk Chanel dress you twit.” I snapped back as icily as possible for as turned on I was just a few seconds ago.

“Have you seen Alan or Ano…I lost track of them a while back when I was watching you across the room.” She blurted out, forgetting to ap0logize for her klutziness.

“No, I haven’t but could you please stop touching me, it’s a bit awkward.” I retorted after her third attempt at petting my hair.  “Excuse me Bruce, I have to go fix…this…I’ll finish with you later.” Wink.

As I made my way to the bathroom, I noticed that Honey had shown up and was setting up the cake in the main room. “Mmmm…Looks good Honey-I’ll hit you back later.”, as I smacked her on the ass and made a beeline for the bathroom.

My dress was completely soaked through by the time I made it to the bathroom so I did the best thing I could for wet silk, I trashed it. Sad. Now I just had to figure out what to wear…what to wear? As I looked at myself in the mirror, I couldn’t notice how good I looked today. “Damn girl you don’t need clothes! They would just cover what’s going on right here!” So, I didn’t…like they’re going to notice anyway. Most of Morphine Nation has already envisioned me in this as they read my posts so this will be nothing new.

I left the bathroom and saw Aly, Honey, feather and DanMan posing for a photo op. I was surprised at how good Dan looked in a skirt!

“Hey girls…love pose-mind if I catch a shot of this for the Nation?”

“Where are your clothes?” Dan exclaimed as I slid the cell phone back into the side of my panties and cursing silently how I always make fun of people who use holsters.

“Umm…wardrobe malfunction”, I replied. “I assume this is the look that people know anyway so I thought I’d go with it.”

“Erect.”

“I assumed so but, that skirt and wig aren’t really doing it for me Dan.” Wink.

In the corner I can hear a crowd gathering around PatMan,  Twilight and GunSage getting rowdy playing 1 vs. 100 on XBox Live. Part of me wanted to saunter over to play with them but I knew Laurie was trolling for Twilight over there so I thought I should keep my distance for now. I think Pat owes me 69.00 though so I’ll have to make an appearance near him shortly to ‘up the ante’ so to speak.

I felt a draft of some sort-the best way I could explain it would be a rip in the time-space continuum or something similar. At that moment, I notice a glint off in the distance…like a knife being waved around below the disco ball.

“What the hell?” I say as I start to walk towards it (because you know….girls…shiny objects…just makes sense, right?)

A guy at the bar was just getting done high-fiving JCC like 90 times and caught my eye.

Wow…they sure do make them hot in Canada, don’t they?

“Hey, I know you!” I heard from the man slash God across the room. I watched him maneuver the room with 10 drinks in his hands. Graceful, I noted. Intrigued by this guy, I adjusted the ‘girls’ in my see through bra and pasted the most alluring smile on my face as he got closer.

“I owe you like 3 drinks.” He blurted as he was close enough to spit on me.

“Uh, thanks I think.” I stammered. “Do I know you? I thought I knew everybody from the Nation.”

Then he went off on some crazy talk about how ‘in the future’ I’ll talk him into writing for the Nation and some shit like that. I instantly wrote him off as a crazy person. Damn, why do the hot ones have to always be slightly unstable?

What had J said about Ano mentioning protege’s? Interesting…

I had to try to get this guy to shut the fuck up-I thought he was high on speed or something. In an instant, I downed all three drinks and planted one right smack on the lips.

*sigh of relief* It was finally quiet. I feel the force is strong with this one, I’ll have to see how this plays out…

When I was finished letting him slobber all over me, he tripped over himself and murmured something along the lines of bailing and something bad happening. *sigh* Again…the hot ones are always fucking nuts.

“What the fuck do you mean by ‘bad’, is there something you should be telling me?”

But, he was gone…as was the knife lying on the bar.

“I’ve got to get back to Seattle-this is the strangest party I’ve ever been to.” I said to no one as I crossed the floor and opened the door. I looked back over my shoulder and blew a kiss to JCC as I shut the door.

On the sidewalk, Ano had finally started coming around and someone had given him a bottle of cheap ass rum. Sheesh.

“Hey Ano-bear, how do you feel?” I said as I bent down to help him up.

“I feel like gold. Where’s the fucking party? I’ve come a long way to party it up with Trudes and Bruce and Twilight and JCC and Al and Honey!”

“Well, I’m afraid the party has about run it’s course but mostly because I’m leaving-can I give you a lift to the airport?”

“Fuckin’ yanks…we Australians party for days at a time…”…at that point I stopped listening to him because I was more concerned with whether or not he’d be puking all over the leather in my car.

I pulled out of the drive and noticed Honey standing outside the house with her arm behind her back and glaring daggers at us.

“Weird.” I said out loud.

“What’s weird?” Ano drunkenly slurred from the passenger seat.

“Just Morphine…damn, what did we get ourselves into?” I said as I shook my head.

“Fuck if I know, I’m going to write about the weird shit I saw tonight.”

“I bet you will-I can’t wait to read it.” Wink.

I dropped Ano off at the airport, sans ticket (he said he had his ‘ways’) and hit the road back home.

Never again will I attend a MN Halloween party without being wasted prior to the party-those people are just too weird for me.

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Category: Comedy | Tags: Al, Aly, ano, Australian prick, beer goggles, Bruce, Canadian beer, Coors Light, DanMan, drinks, G, Gunsage, Halloween, Honey, J, JCC, Laurie, morphine, no pants, party, Patman, weird // 12 Comments »