Part 1, 2, 3.

Fucking bollocks. Im in a right old fix ere, i am. Now you might be wondering why an Aussie is speaking like a stinking pom. Well the reason be pretty damn obvious, innit? I hadn’t had a drink for a full 15 minutes, entirely because of the unfeeling harlot at the bar, and i was beginning to hallucinate. A man cant be expected to carry on willy nilly without refreshments, and i had transversed, one by one, through the steps of dehydration until i had reached insanity. I was just staring out the window, looking plaintively at a cloud that looked very much like a jug of beer, and had begun licking it, when i was interrupted by this sight.

“Howdy Ano. Wouldcha like a watermelon or some fried chicken”

“What i want, is a fucking drink. Also i think im still hallucinating because you seem to be a nigga caricature from the 1920’s”

“Dontcha know, im Danman see! I come from a tribe in the middle of Canada and i came here in search of some popeye chicken and white women!”

“Ill tell you what ill get you white women, ill even give you the tips to seduce them. But please, do a man a favour, get me a drink!”

“I cant do that misser. They wouldnt let me near the bar, the white devil!. But i fooled them all, yessir i did! I got some white powder here, will that do”.

“Shit. Fuckballs. Ok this might make me a bit paranoid and that could be bad because there is a professional serial killer on my case. Still, better than nothing. Load me up, brotha”

“Missur Ano wait! Where be my tips on how to impregnate myself some pale girl”

“Just roll out your massive slave dong dude. They will be all over it and before you know it you will be in charge of mixed race relations in Canada. Go forth, and spead that seed Danman!”

And with that, i was off. I wasnt so much off, as bouncing off the damn walls. I knew this was a bad idea. Shit. Mother of hesus. Where is honey? WHERE THE FUCK IS HONEY!!??

I had heard of how to stay alive in case of attack by a predator in the wild, so i knew what to do here. Stay Still. Stay very still. Stop twitching. Fucking cocaine, stop goddamn twitching!

“Oh ho, you would be honey right? Great to meet you, really great. Hows life? You look great, really. PLEASE DONT KILL ME!”

“Oh dear don’t be silly! I wouldn’t dream of killing someone! I just made a lovely batch of cakes for everyone at the nation. Would you like some diddums?”

“Um sure, yeah cake. Thats got to be pretty safe, cake. Ill have some of that, cake that is. Wait a sec! Whats in that cake? Ingredients wise i mean”

” Flour, a little oil, sugar, egg, cocoa, baking soda, acid, and vanilla”

“What? What was that?”

“Vanilla?”

“No, before that?”

“Baking soda?”

“No, no, there was something else, i swear you said…..oh shit. Im not nuts, hear me? Im not bloody well nuts and i know whats in that cake, and i wont die this way. NOT THIS WAY!. Im sorry alright, im sorry. Im sorry i nearly killed J”

“You nearly killed J? Well thats a pity. At least hes alright!. Here have a piece of cake, that will cheer you up, im sure J doesnt hold any grudges!”

“Ok sure, ill take the cake. Just…..ill eat it later ok? Is that ok? Ill be eating it later, i swear. Oh sweet god please im young and have much yet to offer this world”

“You eat it whenever you want sweetie! Have a great time at the party!”

And with that, i walked away with a sigh of relief. I would live another day, it seemed. Anyway, she seemed pretty nice. Maybe the rumours were just that, rumours. Maybe she was just a cake lady? I pondered this until i found my hand near my mouth, and found i had nearly ingested the cake. Shit! You cant take too many chances Ano. The FBI and every intelligence agency in the world might be wrong about honey, but it doesn’t mean you have to be eating cakes and shit with no regard for your own well being. I lobbed that cake out the window, and watched in amazement as this happened.

You know what, fuck this. FUCK THIS. Im usually a fun loving bloke and id do anything for a laugh, but this was over the top. A clearly unstable cake lady who can make that happen with just a cake after my ass? Im getting the FUCK out of here, is what im doing. As i was running out of the building, i came to a skidding stop as i saw the gaming corner. Shit, thats what i came here for, isnt it? Having a laugh at these knobs. Hell, i came half the way round the world for this stupid party, never knowing my very life would be in danger, i might as well crap on some nerds.

Well this should be some fun at least. They were all crowded around a tv playing xbox, or playstation, or atari. How the fuck would i know. I was about to go in and ask some probing (morphine punnery!) questions about if they had seen a vadge since they appeared out of their moms, when i saw something that made me stare in wonder. Twilight was in the corner, and he wasnt playing with the others. No, not at all. He was busy carving some shit into his arm with a knife, and blood was spurting everywhere. It was pretty damn disgusting, yet pretty damn hilarious, so i made sure to take note of what it was he was carving.

“Um Twilight, perhaps you should go to the doctor? You’r bleeding all over the place, and its kind of creeping me out”

“Ill bleed where i want you bastard! This is the only way i can express my sorrow about being dumped and i wont stop until my tears and my blood merge into a symphony of my emotions. MY HEART WILL BE AVENGED!”

“Um ok. Well you know, do what you want and shit, but theres a few people with pretty exotic diseases at this party, so i wouldnt think an open wound would be the best thing….”

Thats when i saw what was sitting on the desk in front of twilight. Ah, my salvation! There right there was a drink, and i could swear it was alcoholic. This right here was proof of a divine being. For once i had thurst, now i shall drown in the liquids of the gods. Quick as an alley cat, i sprung to that table, and ingested the ambrosia, and sat there for a few minutes with my eyes closed enjoying the fact that i was, finally, alive again. All this was dashed again with the nasally voice of twilight.

“Um Ano, you do know honey made that drink right?”

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Category: Comedy | Tags: DanMan, Gunsage, Halloween Party, Honey, Morphine Nation, Patman, Twilight // 10 Comments »