Longtime Morphorum members will attest that my love of transexuals knows no bounds. There’s just something fascinating about hermaphrodidity (not actually a real word actually btw) that spices up what can be a rather boring session of perusing the cornucopia of smut the internet has to offer. Before the days of ethernet and wireless routers and flying cars, I had only heard of these shemales through obviously made up stories from Weekly World News. After my first experience in viewing internet porn, and seeing these mythical gender benders in their natural habitat, my mind (and load) was well and truly blown.

But not all s/hims are created equal, unfortunately. For every Vanity, there’s a Rupaul. For every legitimate chick with a dick, there’s a drunk guy that stole his wife’s favourite dress. So, in the spirit of ripping off something that used to be popular for webtraffic, and thanks to some suggestions from the staff, I’m proud to present Am I Hot Or Not: Trannies Edition!

*zip*

Subject 1:

HAY GUYS HAY YER DOIN’ IT ALL WRONG STOP THIS NONSENSE if you don’t bloody mind.
Here’s a prime example of what not to do when it comes to transvestisism. You can’t simply put on a pair of women’s knickers and it automatically makes you a girl. This reminds me of one night at the hotel I used to work at, where there was this drunk bloke wearing an evening gown walking around in the hallway. Here I was, trying to ride the lift in peace, and this big hairy bastard in a frilly dress came stumbling my way, falsely believing the manufacturers of the elevator took homos into consideration when figuring the weight limit. Thankfully, I hit the button to shut the door in his face just in time.

As for the above photo, He kind of looks like George Buza, who I enjoyed in The New Adventures of Sinbad. While he might be a good sailor, Mr. Buza makes a terrible tranny.

Rating: 1 out of 10

Subject 2:

A minor improvement over the first tranny, definitely. Although appearance-wise they’re on par, this freak’s appeal is somewhat intangible. S/he looks to be the sort with a great sense of humour, so when you’re not buggering and/or being buggered and other things involving cocks, you can stay up all night swapping jokes about cocks!

While the comedy adds a few points to my score, I can’t get over her advanced age (and probable incontinence). And that’s saying a lot, since my method of picking up women usually involes a hearse and a shovel.

Rating: 4 out of 10

Subject 3:

Now we’re getting to the good ones. As a general rule, the best transsexuals come from Brazil, the only country with a government sponsored shemale farming industry. Brazil produces trannies that are almost as hot as Tim Curry and equally addictive to Juan Valdez’s donkey’s delicious cocaine. Note the above picture. She’s basically the archetypal “girl with a cock” character that you see in most of Orson Welles’s films. She’s attractive by regular female standards, and her monstrous, masculine hands don’t really detract from that. I like the way that she’s futily trying to hide a thick n’ veiny spiffing boner when the fucking cockhelmet is poking right out between her fingers, like a one-eyed prairie dog. Like there’s any point in attempting to be stealthy when you’ve a wang as big as an aardvark. Still, she’s quite doable and obviously spent a great deal of money on those tits, so I wouldn’t be opposed to watching her in a film where she pays for a pizza by writing the delivery boy a cheque… then getting buggered.

Rating: 8 out of 10

Subject 4:

Holy shit, what a dickasaurus. What could be said beyond stating the obvious remarks about her titanic tallywhacker? The gigantic fake tits are a step in the right direction towards shemale nirvana, but that’s countered by the total disregard for feminine hygeine. Seriously, her armpit looks like the fucking forest moon of Endor.

But man… the knob on her is certainly massive. I bet when she puts on a skirt, she has to wrap her cock around her waist 87 1/3 times so it doesn’t drag on the ground. This increases the diameter of her waistline by a full nautical mile. This bitch has got a cock so big, when she goes abroad, she tapes her passport to her cock so by the time the plane lands, she’s already checked in. The sort of man who wouldn’t find such a prominent pecker to be intriguing, I don’t even want to think about. And now for something completely different (and fairly fukken lazy, admittedly). Here’s a list of things Ashley Massaro’s cock is bigger than.

-The Empire State Building
-Godzilla
-King Ghidora
-All of Kefka’s forms combined at the end of Final Fantasy VI
-Your cock
-My cock
-Your dirty uncle’s cock
-The International Space Station
-Tiny Tim
-That door at the end of Kingdom Hearts that’s probably supposed to represent a massive cunt which Mickey Mouse is trapped inside
-Jupiter
-pi
-Jesus

Quite a spectacular dong, eh wot? I bet she has to sleep on her side so airplanes don’t crash into her cock. Because if they did, she’d wake up all pissed off and say “somebody’s doing a 9/11 on my dick again” and she’d start whipping it around in a circle to create gale-force winds. In fact, that’s probably how Hurricane Katrina happened. No, it’s an indisputable fuckoff scientific truth that’s what happened. Right then, for having a cock that is a kaiju demon with the power to create storms like it was the hammer of Thor, I’m giving this shemale top marks. Out of fear, mainly.

Man, what a cock on that woman. It’s like John Holmes and the monolith from 2001: A Space Odyssey had a penibaby.

Rating: 2001: A Space Penis out of 10

Subject 5:

I… don’t even have the words for this one, nor do I have words to describe what I’m feeling, looking at this paragon of tranly virtue. But rest assured, that bitch would get it.

Rating: Take down your bloomers and prepare to be boarded out of 10

There you have it, some gender bending bollocks for yez to have a think/wank o’er this evening, before heading out for Sunday dinner at your grandmother’s. I hope you’ve all learned something about our friendly neighbour to the north, the Eskimos… er, trannies. Trannies. Bye from the article!

Category: Am I Hot or Not?, Comedy | Tags: Hot or Not, Shemale, trannies, TS/TV // 6 Comments »