My Fault… Sorry. Episode 2.
I own a time machine and I never learn (nor fix my mistukess). I disrupted the time continuum a few times. I’m sorry, here’s why.
My Fault: the 1997 Montreal Screwjob. Also, everything bad and stupid in wrestling from this point on…
With Survivor Series upon us, and me being some kind of writer smark guy here at the Morphine Nation and Project Wonderboy, I figure I should come clean about this one. Good thing this is an anonymous user name since I live in Calgary and some of the Harts still live ’round these parts. I’d get my ass fake-beat up like no tomorrow.
For me, the year was 2004 and I was watching wrestling. Shawn Michaels had semi-recently returned from retirement to the WCW.
I know what you’re saying:
You: WTF?
You: WCW?
You: G, you inbred monkey intruding morphine addict. WCW folded back in 2001. Fucktard.
Well see, ONLY I remember this alternate reality because I fucked it up! Shit, you should have seen how insane the Monday Night Wars were in 2002! There were like 7 sects of the NWO! ECW was a huge promotion and was killing both McMahon and Turner’s asses in ratings. Paul Heyman was richer than both of them. Man did YOU miss out!
The FIRST time I saw this, there was an “E” and a “C” before that “W” in the rafters… shit, sorry man.
Back in 1997. World Wildlife Federation’s annual PPV was taking place in Montreal: home of poutine! Mmm….
And hot french chicks too!
Yeah she’s hot, but my fault. Before my time traveling escapade, women’s wrestling was still relevant in the WWE.
The basic deal was that Hart was leaving the WWF for WCW and big money. The story as we now know it was Hart did not want to lose the title in Canada. McMahon didn’t want WCW to announce they had signed the current WWF world champion.
…or even worse toss the title into a trash can.
So Vince conspires with Earl Hebner and HBK to slap on a submission move on Hart and call the match with Michaels as the winner. Basically screwing Hart out of the title. Well, that’s what they “claim.” …I actually caused this.
The PPV was my destination and I thought it might be fun to check out behind the scenes. My time travel device allows teleportation to any spot at any nanosecond in time. That means I can bounce around like this guy:
Hi bitch! My name is Dhalsim. I’m like Mr. Fantastic mixed with Night Crawler… and I can breathe fire. I think you just found out the hard way “Balrog.” BTW, “Balrog” was named M. Bison in SFII in the Asian market release. In the US it is likely a libel suit might have ensued. They switched all of the names of the four “main-guys” as a result. Played the original SFII arcade game in Hong Kong as a kid. FYI. Obviously anyone who isn’t a retard notices the resemblance to Mike Tyson?
Oh wait, I’M supposed to be retarded and time-travelling!! Suck it, Mike Tyson!! Go eat children, thanks.
As I attempted to set the machine’s location to “ring-side,” I must have left the setting for “room” on “office” which the machine must have interpreted as Vince’s office… I guess…
Vince: … woah, fuck me! Who the hell are you and how did you get in here?
Me: … umm…Bret Hart said you’re gay?
Vince: He what! Son of a bitch! Wait a second…
It was too late, I set the time ahead a couple seconds (not sure why) and the location to “back-stage.” I appeared right beside Hebner and HBK discussing the match finish.
HBK: … lose clean after twenty minutes, two ladder spots, and blading? Well I guess it will make me look good…
Hebner: Right. And when the match is over, Hart will get on the mic and say that you are one hell of a competitor and will have a rematch any time you want. That’s sets you to challenge him the next night and get the title… wait, who’s this idiot with cheese and gravy all over his shirt?
G: Hey you’re those gays Bret Hart was telling me about… This is called “poutine-I’m-saving-for-later.” Retards. Fuck this noise, I’m gonna go watch the main event.
So I teleport/time travel right to location “ring-side.” I found an empty chair by the announce booth and had a seat. HBK was about to slap on a sharpshooter on Hart! Sweet!
I noticed this hammer beside me. I tend to pick up shiny objects that are not my own! I had some backpack-capacity available having dropped “My Struggle.”
Aww.. shit. The thing slips out of my greasy gravy/cheese covered hand and hits the bell… a few times, I guess. Or maybe I just thought it made a funny sound and hit it repeatedly… you decide!
Hebner who was pissed at Hart about being called an ass-pirate calls the match. HBK sells it too (also pissed). Vince could have restarted the match, but too was upset at Hart about the whole gay thing.
Hart started throwing TVs so I figured I should bail.
Turns out that Bret Hart jumping to WCW for a $5 million per year without the title made the difference for the modern landscape of wrestling. Results = put Vince and HBK at a higher and more controversial level. AND it also alienated a lot of younger talent at WCW encouraging them to leave. Yes, that also helped solidify the “Attitude” era that triggered a slow death of WCW. Later WCW gets bought by Vince and pro-wrestling stagnates due to a lack of competition. Rotting takes time!! Sorry!!! My bad. Some of these bonus features I accidently included:
Katie Vick… whoops.
X-Pac “heat”
This cunt Josh Matthews… and the list goes on people!
All the shitty parts of wrestling since then are my fault There was still some awesomeness after that, but that was some other dude’s fault. I lent my poutine dealer the time machine for a weekend since I was broke and needed a fix.
Who bettah than Kanyon… to trade you some delicious fucking poutine so I can bowwow youw gadget fow thah weekend?
Fuck. So there you have it. If I had just been my typical lazy self, wrestling would be much better. I fucked it all up by interfering, sorry ’bout that. Who knew that was an important turning point? I thought about going back to fix it knowing it would improve the onscreen product, but got lazy… and I NEVER correct my mistakes.
Then I ate some more poutine and went to the year 2106 and enjoyed time with like 90 robots! Right in the… umm… ??? Well, it was some kind of hole.
Source (Please note WIkipedia are a bunch of homos and keep deleting my input).
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by MorphineNation, MorphineNation. MorphineNation said: My Fault… Sorry. Episode 2.: I own a time machine and I never learn (nor fix my mistukess). I disrupted t.. http://bit.ly/w7NJp [...]
If it wasnt for Montreal i would have stopped watching in the 90’s instead of the early 2000’s so, im confused whether to thank you or hate you for this one.
Montreal and the Curtain Call are what led me to research wrestling more online, which led me to the IWC, which led me to the Oratory, which led me to things discussed in Ano’s Public Probe. So if anyone likes anything I’ve ever done ever with this site, you can thank Vince McMahon and Shawn Michaels. Or, as we’ve now learned, G.
@JCC – Holy crap! What have I done!!!
I’ve done some bad things that also allowed for good things!! ha ha.
@Ano – The Bret Hart thing was huge, and the Attitude Era/Monday Night Wars WERE awesome. The deal he signed though is cited by some former WCW talent (namely the Big Show and Jericho interestingly enough) as a turning point for underpaid guys to jump ship. A slow bleeding began in the WCW as the inmates ran the asylum…
In retrospect, the lack of competition has really hurt the modern product since about 2002-2003 or so. Its odd that something that created awesomeness for years to come also eventually led to destroying what made it good! That’s why I picked it as an event of significance. Also, because the anniversary is this weekend.
[...] – I notice a Hogan DVD ad. Notable TNA dis: “Hogan in his prime…” Subtle but obvious implied “Hey you got my car after I put 250,000 kms on it without an oil change sucker.” Time will tell Vince, time will tell. [...]
[...] – Post match Homicide starts throwing shit like Bret Hart is to TV’s. [...]