“Thats right its Ano, i write for the Nation and i should be right on top of that list”, I grunted to the mongoloid in charge of letting people into the party. He squinted at the list and didnt look too impressed. The gorilla in the suit stared at me for a while and when i wouldnt move or blink (because i was still fucked up on the speed), he began to look a little annoyed. It looked like we were going to throw down, which was alright with me because my fast twitch muscle fibers make me an awesome fighter, as well as the fact that i can feel no pain – the result of years of having a bath in high grade plutonium.

At this point Chen piped up. “Hey sir i can get you in, im on the list”. That’s when i slapped him in the face, HARD. “No one gets me on the list boy, I AM THE LIST”, I thundered as Chen looked at me in wide eyed shock. Thats when i ordered him to go wait for me back at the limo while i turned my attention back to the gorilla and the problem at hand. He was looking pretty pissed but just before i judo chopped his ass, i figured a non violent solution because i had read a book on Ghandi a couple days ago while i was high on LSD and it had made an impression.

“Listen buddy, im best friends with Zoomeister”. Yeah, that should be the ticket. Luckily it seemed to be working because the gorilla finally was looking at me with the respect i deserve, maybe a little awe. “You mean Zoomeister the guy who writes Dating Donts?. Man i cant tell you how many times that helped me in the animal kingdom.” Well fuck, who knew gorillas had a heart that could be melted with just a few tips about how to sex up female gorillas. After promising him a autograph of Zoomiester on the way out, the beast let me through. And thats when i saw this.

Well, it looked like this party was hopping as much as i thought it would. Luckily i was there to liven shit up, so i popped the rest of the speed i had left, grabbed the roast pig in one hand and walked to the bar. “Id like 7 scotch and cokes, stat!”. The bartender looked a little puzzled. “Is that all for you? And would you like any utensils for that pig?”

“What pig?” i said because i had already scoffed it down (i hadnt eaten a thing since i was about to cannibalize that girl in the first part of this story). “What are you, retarded? Of course its for me, you think im going to buy drinks for the lame pricks at this party?”.

A light had begun to shine in his eyes. “You’r Ano arnt you? I was under the impression that the bouncer was under express instructions not to let you in”. I gave him the famous death stare until he gulped and started mixing the drinks i ordered. When he set them down i sculled them all and started walking away when he started coughing. I was pretty hopeful he was having some sort of cardiac arrest so i could jump the bar and start mixing my own drinks, but he stopped when i looked at him so i guess he was just trying to get my attention.

“You havnt paid for any of these”, he said nervously, while beginning to sweat profusely. I think he was trying to seduce me because his titties were jiggling but i was too experienced to fall for any of that claptrap. “Do you know who i am buddy? Im a famous internet celebrity, i dont pay for drinks. I write at the nation”. With that i was about to walk away but he said something else.

“What?”
“I said i write for the nation too!”
“Really? And who the fuck are you?”
“J”

“J! Well fuck me sideways. Ok then J, since ur so good at deleting shit, how about you just delete that bar-tab”
“Thats not funny. And anyway, if you bother me anymore im telling honey”

It was beginning to dawn on me that i was wasting too much time at the bar when i should be hitting up this party, so i quickly hurled a throwing knife through his right eye and moved on.

There wernt that many people around but they all seemed severely disturbed. There was a group of people sitting in the corner playing xbox by themselves ignoring everyone else. I was on my way to go over there and ejaculate all over them, when i was stopped by a cowboy.

“Hey dude, i heard J earlier, before you brutally killed him. You’r Ano right?”

“Sure gramps, why you want me to help you cross the street?”

“NO! Im Bruce, you know, Origim Bruce. I need a little help”

“You know, now that you mention it, that outfit is pretty damn gay. If you like sucking dick on a saturday id recommend it, but otherwise….”

“Not that! I brought flowers for Seattle, but i cant find her anywhere. Did you see her? We’re soul-mates you know.”

“Who?”

“Seattle”

“Yeah ive got no idea who….”

“TRUDES!”

“Oh Trudes! Yeah i havnt seen her yet, but ill be sure to tell you if i do. Now if you could take your genitals away from my hands that would be awesome.”

During our talk when he had me distracted he had somehow placed his dong in my hand. Thats a pretty damn good magic trick. Luckily he walked off because he was pretty set in his quest. As high as i was though, i couldnt walk around smelling of dong, so i walked into the toilets to wash my hands. While i was there i took a piss, because i consider it a novelty to do that sometimes as opposed to pissing on everyday objects.

While i was doing the business, the guy next to me kept creeping up to me. Eventually i looked at him and caught him looking straight at my tackle. He knew he was caught but he didnt seem to mind, he was transfixed…

………………………………………………………
Tune in next time to hear about more of your favourite writers and wonder if everyone got out without being arrested!

Category: Comedy | Tags: Bruce, Chen, Halloween Party, J, Morphine Nation, Mystery creep, Origim, Zoomeister // 11 Comments »