The Time i went to the Morphine Nation Halloween party – part 1
It was just another Saturday morning. I woke up with a splitting headache and the vague memory of having sex with a pig. Imagine my shock when i turned around and saw the pig. “Hey piggy! Get the hell out of my bed”, i said while subtly reaching for a axe because lets be honest, i was pretty damn hungry. Tears sprung from her eyes before she spluttered “You said you were kidding about that last night”, and i realised it wasnt a piggy at all, just a girl that looked like a pig. After kicking the piggy out of the house and pissing on the front lawn while swigging from a bottle of bourbon, i noticed there was some mail in my mailbox. I opened it up and found this.
I was about to throw it in the bin when i read the last part. And thats when it hit me. Halloween was tomorrow, and the Nations office was in the US. Thats why that little prick JCC was laughing at me. By sending the invite this late this was effectively a non-vite, because it would take me a day to travel from Australia. No sane man would end up going all that way with no notice just for a Halloween party. Well fuck you JCC, im going anyway and crashing the party because im sure as hell not sane!
By the look on my next door neighbour’s face i may have screamed this out loud. Either that or she was shocked that i was pissing on her cat. But although this is the same plot as the start of that Seinfeld episode, i decided to press on nevertheless.
Unfortunately i had no money, because i get paid entirely in beer and drugs for writing at this site, so i decided to use my powers of seduction to get on a plane. But when i got to the airport, i was greeted by this dude.
Well fuck im in a pickle now, i thought. “What?”, he replied. Too late, i realised i had said it out loud again. I really had to fix that problem. Either that or stop swigging from the bourbon. After tossing up the idea of breaking the bottle over his head i decided to go with plan B.
“Listen here chap, do you realise who i am?. I work for an important internet website and i need a ticket to the U.S ASAP. And i cant pay for it because im too important.”
“Who did you say you worked for?”
This is when i had to think quick. Whats a website that people actually read? I got it, by jove!
“Perverted Justice. Thats right, i help kids not get fiddled by old dudes. Im practically a hero”. I looked off into the distance in a plaintive manner to hopefully sell this shit, and i knew i hit the jackpot when i looked back at him because i had made a grown man cry.
“Man, if it wasnt for you guys my little girl would have been forcibly defiled by a group of buddhist monks. For you, ill do anything. Please come through. And have this bag of speed to help you through your flight”
Well things were looking up for good old Ano. I popped a couple of the pills, threw off my shirt because it was getting a little hot, and jumped on board the flight.
The rest of the ride was kind of like this.
When i got off the plane, people were looking at me because i was wearing no clothes but then fuck them. “Its Halloween, and ive come as naked Jesus!”, i shouted to noone in particular as i tried to figure out the next move. I actually had no idea where to go from here, or even what city of the U.S i was in.
Luckily there was a diminutive asian guy waving a card with my name on it, so i walked towards him. “Hey Chen!”, i retorted while waving my hands at nothing in particular, “Take me to your leader and tell that guy JCC fuck you because the life of the party is here baby!”
“Yes sir, follow me sir, the limo is this way sir”. He followed that up with some Chinese which im pretty sure translates to how small his dick is and how he love you long time. Thats when he led me to this shitbox which just about heightened my already massive expectation of the largeness the nation would provide.
Knowing that i would need some energy to bike to the party, i told Chen to wait there while i went to the local bar and got some refreshments. When i got back 7 hours later he was still there so we got on and started peddling.
…………………………………………………………………………
In the next part, we meet the whole cast of the nation and hijinks ensues~!
I got mine too…hope to see you there.
Fucking awesome! Original fiction on here is always sweet, and the fact that it’s about the site and staff themselves provides opportunities for much hilarity.
I laughed so hard reading this, and cannot wait for part two to come out!!! If it gets better than this I just might die laughing!
This well not end well, it will end funny, but not well. In other words I endorse this series whole heartdly
I did not have time to read this this morning, but I read it anyway, because the teaser bit was so engaging that I couldn’t walk away. WELL DONE!
That party is going to be fucked right up when Ano gets there. I was working that night, so a recap of the insanity will be appreciated! Ha ha..
Anyone who is disillusioned by the fact that some people are saying they wernt at the party, never fear. They are filthy liars and i will shine a light on the truth because of my journalistic integrity and my 20/20 memory which has in no way been corroded by substance abuse.