So we’ve all been hearing about the mass hysteria and so-called pandemic that is the swine flu, but do you know anyone that has actually had it? Now you do. Two weeks ago, I started feeling incredibly exhausted, feverish and just plain shitty. Those damn piggies got me!

Thanks to that little fucking kid up there, a study done in October found that there have been more than 414,000 laboratory confirmed cases of the piggy flu and 5000 deaths reported. Note: laboratory confirmed cases. Recently, here in Iowa and possibly many other states however, the only flu circulating is the H1N1 (the usual seasonal strain will rear its non-piggy head soon, no doubt) therefore, if you have flu symptoms – you have the swine flu. They’ve even stopped testing for it here.

Symptoms include:
• Fever above 100.4 °F
• Cough
• Sore throat
• Headache
• Chills
• Muscle aches
• Diarrhea
• Vomiting
• Uncontrollable urges to cover yourself in mud and blend all your food scraps together to make slop
• Nose turns up and takes on a snout-like appearance
• A small, pink, curly tail starts poking through right above your ass crack

And yes, they all fucking suck. For just under two weeks, I lied in bed and felt absolutely fucking miserable. On the other hand though, I didn’t have to go to work or class as long as I felt sick and had a fever. Which brings me to my conclusion that we (and especially college kids) should be begging for the piggy flu.

For the most part, college kids have part time jobs usually in food service or some other bullshit. No restaurant owner is going to make you come into work if you’ve got the piggy flu. Personally, I work in an office with about a billion other people and they don’t want those billion people getting sick because they have work to do so they told me to not come into work until I was better.

As for classes, if too many students come down with the swine and get TOO sick, they may have to withdrawal from the university, costing said university thousands of dollars. This makes the university very scared, which prompts them to kill more trees and produce a ridiculous amount of fliers and post them 5 feet apart stating that if you have flu symptoms – to stay home! And for the most part, if you miss class the profs are pretty lenient on make-up work. Or at least they are for me, but what can I say, I’m pretty charismatic and usually get what I want.

Now really, if the government was so insanely worried about the so called pandemic of H1N1, they would shut down schools, work and any other social setting in which people could contract the virus. And really, would it be such a bad thing to have a worldwide pandemic to sort of….weed out the weaklings? Natural selection as its finest, my friends. Think about it – only the strong survive ensuring that the next generation is stronger, healthier. And less people – always a seat on the train home, or always a ticket at the movie theatre or concert, and less idiots to deal with at the mall? I think we could learn to deal.

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Category: Comedy | Tags: college students, kids kissing pigs, natural selection, pandemic, swine flu // 7 Comments »