A Speedread of the Douchebags at your poker table
Poker is, at an essence, purely a game about information. Its really no different from the stock-market in that way. You pay for information, and you use that information to make money. Take away the transaction fee (the rake in this case), and that right there is your profits. While you are learning, the information we are talking about the game itself. This information comes at a steep price which is why everyone is a losing player when they start. But think of this as a back-end deal, or like a university degree. Your profits later on more than covers these fees. Although you are always learning, the price of learning drastically reduces as you go along.
What im talking here about however, is a different type of information. Namely, information about the people you are playing with. This is the information that purely decides how you are going to go on a specific day (once you have reached a certain level of competence in the game). The best example of this would be if you watch someone who plays on the internet fulltime. You will see they have a crap-load of notes on any given player that pops up when they sit on their table. Things should be no different when you are at a live table (if you are serious about the game).
Information about players take time. You have to see them play a fair amount of hands, see how they react to certain situations, and learn the peculiarities that unlock the game of every player. Everyone is different, as in life. As i said though, this takes time. Sure its all well and good if you’r a regular in your local card room and you are building up information about the other regulars. But what about the person that only rocks up once? The vast majority of people you’r not going to see again, or so rarely that its impossible to do this the hard way. So then its time for the easy way. Lets take a stroll into generalization alley shall we.
CRAZY ASIAN DUDE
Dont look at me like that Johnny Chan. Its not racist if its true. These guys are usually middle aged, and don’t really make the distinction between poker and the other table games at the casino. They play poker like they play baccarat. And since they usually bet four figures a hand at baccarat, you cant really expect them to have much patience for a game where the whole buy-in is about the same amount. They will generally play every hand, bet if they are checked to, and call with any pair or overcards. After buying in four or five times, they will finally start getting lucky, build a massive stack, and then donk it all off in an hour or two.
Drunk Businessmen
These guys usually come in pairs or groups, directly from after work drinks or a function of some kind. They are generally horrible, because who cares its just money right, but still somehow have an ego. The drunker they get, the worse they get, and the better they think they are. They will make all sorts of ridiculous plays because they saw it on tv once and it will make an awesome story back at work. Generally the biggest donators at the table (closely followed by the first bloke). The younger they are, the better it is for you. If they are old like the dude in the picture they are usually a lot tighter, so just pick on their mate.
Hot Chick
This species of bird is rare, but boy do you know about it when they rock up. The whole poker room goes on high alert, like they have never seen a girl before or something. They are normally very tight and passive. When you have it, value bet them, but dont try bluffing because they are not good enough to fold. They wont get involved in big multiway pots unless they have a monster, but they will get involved in lots of little ones and lose their stack bit by bit. Watch them limping with monsters preflop. The other guys on your table will generally soft play them and check it to them because “they dont want to take their money”. Good plan morons, think with your dick. Firstly you are here to make money, not pick up. Second, see that dude directly behind her? Thats her boyfriend, what are you blind?
Young Dumbass tryhard pro
Sure mate, you read a couple of books. Good on you. Now you think you’r a pro. Thats all well and good, but do you have to tell the whole table and comment on every hand? Do you think any of us give a shit about your analysis? Firstly, all your doing is educating those guys you are berating for their bad plays. Secondly, most of what you are sprouting is trash anyway, except for the basic stuff everyone already knows. Thirdly, why did you bring your ipod when you are going to spend the whole time with it off and your mouth open? I want to ram an explosive charge up your ass but im pretty sure theres plenty of stuff up there already, not to mention having you around is good because you make everyone play as bad as you. Sweet irony is when you give someone shit for something and then do it yourself a couple of hours later. I could tell you, but i wouldnt want to help you be any less retarded.
Old Regular
This guy retired 20 years ago, and has been coming to this card room every day since. All the staff and most of the players know him. Generally pretty quiet and grumpy, although i dont know why. Shit you must like being here since you live here. At my cardroom theres a joke from the staff about one of these guys. Apparently hes missed two days in 20 years, and both times he brought a doctors note. Normally a tight player, but pretty stubborn in a hand if they think they are ahead, so theres no point firing more than two shots unless you are valuebetting. They are break even players and they are happy to be so, so they wont get any better.
Uni student / young dude
These guys come in two brackets. I would advise figuring out which one they are in before you do anything wild. The first is the guy who’s playing with his rent/living expenses money. The second is the prodigy that made 6 figures in this game online before they were even technically old enough to play poker. Both of them are going to look nervous. The first guy because hes playing with money he cant afford to lose, and the second because this is the first time hes played in a live casino – although the guys here are 100 times worse than the guys hes playing with every day on his computer. Watch if they reraise a fair bit. If they do, its the second, and i would advise staying clear until you have more information. If its the first go wild, fold equity is sky high.
Phil Ivey
Yeah look, just move tables.
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On the rare occasions when I go to a casino, I pretty much stick to slots and stay away from the table games. Despite that, I still found this an entertaining read, both because I can imagine all of these archetypes taking part, and because yur descriptions of each were good. I do think the goings-on in casinos would lend themselves to more humorous observation, and knowing how much time you spend there, it’s good to see you covering it.
You’r right, theres plenty of hilarious shit that happens in casinos. Im unsure though whether its hilarious to just me and my screwed up friends or something that could come across on the written page to the general readership. I might try to write up a couple and see how it goes, if it doesnt work i can always go back to dongs.
[...] Wenn Sie gerne in einem bOnline/b bCasino/b spielen, dann ist das hier genau das richtige! .. A Speedread of the Douchebags at your poker table – morphinenation.com 10/28/2009 Poker is, at an essence, purely a game about information. Its [...]