Every since I was a little kid, I used the influences of my everyday surroundings to make reason and logic of what was going on around me. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was making assumptions of basic, everyday “normal” life and how I responded to the standard deviation presented to me. Anything for example, big or small in stature, has had some sort of effect on me to make me the fucker I am today. I can remember as far back when my dad was wearing Hammer Pants, getting “Kid N Play” style zig-zag hairdoos, and popping in the latest Ice Cube cassette tape. Rap music and similar genres have intellectually stimulated my existance as I have learned from what was being “spit” from boomboxes. Just now realizing this as a twenty-one year old man, I want to take from what I have thus far understood on the industry of real-talk/entertainment of rap music and express my merriment as well as my comprehension of the “game.”

True Rappers Delight… Not quite what the SugarHill Gang had in mind.
1. “Life Ain’t Nothin’ But Bitches And Money”
According to Ice Cube, the rap game is the employment needed to acquire these objects in life: Bitches and of course, Money. Every rapper or hip-hop artist has in one point talked about getting these things. From Biggie Smalls, Tupac, Lil Jon and the Eastside Boys; you name it, they have expressed similar knowledge. You need to work hard with whatever you do, whether it be working your ass off hustling bricks of narcotics, working a 9-5 job, or even rapping your lips off about getting bitches and money to acquire these things. Nothing else truly matters for our time on Earth is short, and to coincide with this short life blowing fat ammounts of “cheddar” on whatever you desire and participating in one-night-stands with bitches are the perfect ways to spend your life. When you have the two together in unison, a euphoric state will empower you like getting the Holy Ghost in a pentecostal church.

“Ay Caramba! Look at that Fat Onion. Butt so big, make me wanna cry!”
2. Any Metaphor Can Be Used To Describe A Woman’s Anatomy
It goes without saying how many names, descriptions, and titles given to the enticing anatomy of a woman’s arse. By bluntly saying it outright it loses its lackluster and wonderment, but by embedding the desire and passion for obtaining the sexy parts of a woman with whimsical lingos make it that much fun to rap about, be creative, and to confuse the fuck out of white people. From “Donk” to “Onion,” anything in the right context can place the bodacious booty as idolic as a patriotic statue. And lets not forget our friend, the vagina. Terms such as “Monkey,” “Candy,” and “Birthday Cake” have also given light and visualization to the vagina giving it an upbeat, or hip if you will, look.

Backwards Clothes Were Fresh As Fuck At One Point Or Another
3. Gimmicks Relate Directly To Popularity
If you don’t have a catchy gimmick, you better stay the fuck out of the rap game. There isn’t time for punk ass bitches and joe-schmoes and you need to get yourself recognized to be any sort of a success. From physical flair gimmicks the likes of Kris Kross with the backwards clothing, MC Hammer and his flashy trousers, and Flava Flav with his oversized neck-clock– being original is key. The majority of rappers or hip hop artists are fairly young, African American males. So, by being able to make yourself known and recognized is essential through a gimmick. Other gimmicks include being obese (Notorious B.I.G), white (Eminem, Vanilla Ice), or being involved in a near death accident (KanYe West).

My Purgatory…
4.Repetitive Lyrics + Catchy Beat= Top 40 Radio Massacre
Unfortunately, there is some failures that arise from my learnings. Triumphing in the game of rap is key, and sometimes taking the annoying route to the top by raping Top 40 radio is one way to do it. No matter what the lyric stands for, as unintelligent as it may sound, if you pair it along side a catchy beat, you basically get the anti-Wonder Twins. Sure, the song may become fun or even enjoyable to listen to for the first couple hundred times you hear it, but the ear raping of hearing a song multiple times in the day really gets to you. And those days turn into weeks, and weeks may infact turn into months. For example, take Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em and his debut song, “Crank Dat (Superman Dat Hoe)”. Here is a sample of the lyrics:

[Chorus: x2]
Soulja boy off in this hoe
Watch me crank it
Watch me roll
Watch me crank dat soulja boy
Then super man dat hoe
Now watch me yuuuuaaaaaa!
(crank dat soulja boy)
Now watch me yuuuuaaaaaa!
(crank dat soulja boy)
Now watch me yuuuuaaaaaa!
(crank dat soulja boy)
Now watch me yuuuuaaaaaa!
(crank dat soulja boy)

[Verse 1:]
Soulja boy off in this hoe
Watch me lean and watch me rock
Super man dat hoe
Then watch me crank dat robocop
Super fresh, now watch me jock
Jocking on them haterz man
When i do dat soulja boy
I lean to the left and crank dat dance
(now you)
I’m jocking on yo bitch ass
And if we get the fightin
Then i’m cocking on your bitch
You catch me at yo local party
Yes i crank it everyday
Haterz get mad cuz
“i got me some bathin apes”

Now, to the average person this sounds like a bunch of jabberwalkie. But, it was merely a portion of the sensation that earfucked millions during the summer of 2007. Other fine examples of nonsense lyrics with succesful rap artists are the Ying Yang Twins and the 69 Boyz.

I did it for the lolz
5. Police Are Not Your Friends
Rappers and Police quarrel on a daily basis. Mainly fueled by the racism expressed by policemen on African American suspects, the “beef” so-to-say has not ceased in any way, shape, or form. The love-hate relationship that is still thriving today is felt with similar biases on both parties. One of the most popular songs ever written by the N.W.A has expressed their views on the LAPD and made it known that police think every teenager in the Hood with some nice things is obviously a criminal or a drug dealer to obtain these objects. See Below.

This is what I have savored thus far from the awareness of rap music. If enough enjoyment ensues, I may express more points in a Part 2 Follow up. But for now, I’m going to try and obtain “bitches” and “money” as I sit with my front porch swag on high as I sip gently from my fawdie with a crazy straw. Peace Bitches.

Category: Comedy | // 4 Comments »