The drug problem at Morphine…
There I said it. It was hard but…I did it and outed all you closet junkies and fiends. Let the hating commence…
But, come on-with a name like Morphine…what did you expect to find here? Basement dwellers who play online PC games and whittle away their lives in search of a 67 skill level? Egotistical control freaks who get their rocks off by micromanaging the underlings? Fetishists who use the site as their personal playground to seduce and charm because they don’t have the social skills to do so in real life?
Ok, well…bad examples…
But since I don’t give a shit, I’m going to take this time to fill you all in on some of the drug-induced issues I’ve noticed here during my short time at Morphine. With this said, I assume this will be my last post due to the hit that JCC will put out on me.
JCC- Well, since he’s already been mentioned, I’ll start with our feared leader, JCC…our very own meth addict. We don’t see JCC post much because he’s too busy trying to find the most pure glass on the market. We’ve all experienced the ‘wrath’ of JCC and his overwhelming ego. An ego that can be easily explained given that you know that long term users experience schizophrenic symptoms which include hallucinations.
He certainly has the ‘illusions of grandeur’ thing going for him…referring to himself as God as much as he does and clearly believes that he is truly worshiped. Who the fuck do you think you are? Criss Angel? Newsflash for you JCC- We see right through it-get help…I’ve already pre-admitted you at Betty Ford under the name Frank Langella (oh and…when you get out, you should expect to be sued for identity theft…sorry!).
Bruce - We’ve all read Bruce’s stories of fright-inducing escapades that rival death and would leave even Paul Bunyan concussed and/or drooling like a vegetable the rest of his days. And if you’re like me, you’ll also agree that most of them are complete bollocks unless, of course, he was able to stave off the pain with say, I don’t know…pain killers. Prescription pain killers.
With a medicine cabinet full of Vicodin, Percocet, Oxy and Demerol, Bruce feels no pain other than the pain of loneliness when he wakes up and realizes his only friend is Morphine.
Alan & Luke - If they can be bothered to write, the stories are practically worthless and lack knowledge that typical society concludes as educated. Luke is better off because the UK is much more accepting of his ‘habit’ as here in the states. With that said, though, his ineptness shines through on the Morphine site as soon as the publish button is clicked. With hands over my eyes, I cringe at reading his ‘pieces’ consisting soley of television reviews (surprise, surprise) but find it’s like a car wreck-I don’t want to watch but can’t seem to take my eyes away. Toke away Luke, it’s working for you…apparently. But only because you have a rivaling addiction to House (something about a guy being an chauvinistic asshole is hot, what can I say?).
Alan, on the other hand, makes the shittiest shitty comics I’ve ever had to read (again, refer to the car wreck). Lately, you’ve all noticed (or not noticed) Twilight’s flight of invisibility…this deception can only be associated with the days he spends in his room reading vampire novels and sorting seeds.
Honey - One day Honey was trying to finish a wedding cake that was needed the next day at the Adrianna Hill Grand Ballroom and ran out of cake flour! Now, the bakers amongst us know that just plain flour will not suffice as cake flour is specially designed to help the cake ’set’ faster, right? Ok, no one cares…my point is…she ran out. Well, Honey also lives in the worst ghetto that Oregon can offer, Portland. Stepping outside, she is overcome by a large man with a trenchcoat full of the best ‘flour’ on the market.
It seems the man had been stalking Honey for a time hoping to get her onto all fours in his up and ‘cumming’ porn studio. Little did he know that Honey, so desperately in need of flour, would be as gullible as she is and that it would be much easier than he thought-sell Honey cocaine under the guise of it being flour!
After the cake had set and Honey was fingers deep in…well, different post…she was hooked. On the bright side, the ’sweet tooth’ Honey formed has given her the opportunity to hire help for her emerging cake business…
Alex - Alex’s only issue with drugs is lack of supply. Apparently he keeps company with the most sober (but sluttiest) friends that Seattle has to offer. This unfortunate ability to stay away from drugs has left him with an attitude of entitlement that only middle class employees of a certain software giant can possess.
I get it Alex, you’re a force to be reckoned with-you drink your posh coffee given to you by bikini baristas, drive your environmentally friendly Toyota, flaunt your Google phone and only listen to indy bands with less than 50 actual fans…we get it-you’re a true Seattle-ite. Now that we’ve established that you’re an entitled prick, you can either take Twilight’s number from me or I’ll deal with you in…other ways.
Ano - Ano, Ano, Ano. We get it, you’re an alcoholic…you are the epitome of Australian society. You haven’t been slow to remind us that you like the drinkey. Your tales of drunken behaviour have won you the attention you crave…good job. Keep in mind though that you’ll never truly charm Holly Valance unless you prove that you can power through the drunk dick that comes with the territory.
But Ano, you have not one but two addictions! Gambling and alcohol usually go hand in hand (such as your dick and your buddies left hand after he’s passed out). There truly is no hope for you. I feel fairly safe admitting that you probably will not make it to 30 (though you’ve expressed that it doesn’t bother you anyway) and will most likely not ever accomplish much in your life other than a few royal flushes, a bottle of Inner Circle rum and the hand of a slightly lazy but not too witty member of the Morphine Nation.
Gun Sage - Come on…we all know how GS can get through all those video game reviews, play endless hours of BlazBlue and FF, tries (to no avail) to give it to his wife in the ass and still work full time at a menial job with little to no sense of appreciation? Amphetamines, of course. To be more specific…speed. It all started many years ago for GS in the form of diet pills he stole from his, then girlfriend’s, sock drawer and eventually morphed into the full blown obsession he possesses today.
Unlike the normal modes of consumption for speed, Gun Sage has always been a man to pave his own way. His dealer finds special insertable capsules and takes his rectally. They are working on a new, more convenient enema tip as a more comfortable way to mainline a liquid form into his body.
Side note: Which is better, video games or sex? WTF GS? Hands down (my pants)-sex.
DanMan - We’ve all heard about Dan’s assumed hatred for women, right? Well, I can assure you that he doesn’t hate women, he only hates that they won’t fuck him unless being roofied. So, I guess Dan’s ‘addiction’ isn’t really a problem of him having a dependence on a chemically induced haze for himself, it’s the fixation on only being able to get laid if he roofies his date.
Is this also where I tell them about the Viagra Dan?
Now you must all be wondering what Seattle Freeze has as an ‘addiction’ of sorts? Well, it’s assumed that my addiction is in the form of sex but, what, specifically? Oxytocin, of course. The difference betwix me and all you degens is that mine is a natural high induced by the releasing of a hormone found in my body already! I just need a stimulant to ‘bring it on’ in which, all of you possess…Who’s first?
But, granted, we all have an addiction to Morphine. 
Ha ha, drugs made me type this. That was a funny read, but that being said, I really want that car. The only problem is that when it overheats, it probally shows the RROD on the dash.
Great article, and very funny. I’m SO not a druggie, but I’ll cop to SOME of the accusations.
HAHAHAHAHA you brought up to key things I hear all the time. You have to be a desperate liar and if not a pain killer addict. All of which is complete bullshit, but funny funny article. See sparky you are talented at writing about things other than sex.
@G- hahahaha That would rule so much!
@JCC- Heil Hitler!
@Bruce- I KNOW I can write anything!!! Any schmuck writing on this site can do this kind of shit but not all of us are successful at getting the sex thing right the first time…stop trying to get me to write different shit…as far as I know, everyone else enjoys my posts.
@SF: Fair enough, from now on you are only to write about sex and nothing else no matter how bad you may want to. So let it be written, so let it be done
This is awesome – This is the kind of thing we need more of around here. My only hope is that when i die, whether it be tomorrow or maybe a couple of years from now if i get there – people find this and the eulogy is just copied and pasted from the section on me here.
@Bruce- Come on…you know better. First, I’ve never actually done anything you’ve TOLD me to do. And second, the moment you have any control over me is the moment I’m retiring from sex. (read: it’s not happening).
@Ano- I can do this for you…now, when I’d like to call in a favor-you owe me one.
For shame.
I really thought we were going to keep those things just between us.
I made cupcakes yesterday, by the way.
@Honey- I know, I saw it on youporn.
I guess I’m the only sober one amongst us, here? Good, I shall maintain a smug sense of superiority over my sobriety, you FRIGGING ADDICTS GET A JOB.
Just curious, where might that Bikini Hut be located?
@Al- You’re just better at hiding it.
@Alex- Remember, I took you there…my 2nd employer? No worries, you can come visit me ltr…
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