Hello and welcome to Am I Hot or Not? It’s been around four to five years since I last wrote one of these articles, so if you don’t know what happens, allow me to give you a quick refresher course. Originally started on the now-defunct weaintcool.com, AIHoN’s torch was passed to me. It’s a series of articles that randomly selects people from the “please like me” Web site amihotornot.com. We then judge whether they are, indeed, hot or not.

Some would call what we do here cruel, but if you submit your image for public appraisal, like a wayward puppy doing a shit on the kitchen floor, then you should be prepared for loud, obnoxious and justified criticism. So, come with me as we randomly select another bunch of miscreants and scumbags and ask everybody’s favorite question (outside of, “Are you fucking pregnant again?”), Am I Hot …. or NOT!?

1. Marjorie Bandersnatch

I know exactly what you’re all thinking. You may be feeling a little guilty for thinking it, but don’t worry, we’re among friends so I’ll be the first to say it …

… If only the arrow was pointing at the one on the right. The actual attractive one.

It’s not like the one we have to talk about is ugly, per se. However, her angular face and horrible hairstyle makes her look just a little bit like a witch. It’s the kind of face that you know age will not be kind to. I’d suggest that this be someone you fuck a few times and ditch before she started to turn like a piece of stale bread. I don’t want to be the one to have to say it, but this is a woman who will be cheated on by her husband after ten years of marriage. Once her cunt dries up and the teeth go a bit brown.

And he’ll probably be cheating on her with that bitch on the right.

My Score: 5
Site Score: 9.4
Analysis: People with penises either have such low standards, or don’t understand how arrows work

2. Shonna Wrinkletits:

If you want a visual definition of the phrase, “Mutton dressed as lamb,” then look no further than the lady I have christened Shonna Wrinkletits. I’m guessing that, despite the bleached hair and liberal use of makeup, “young” Shonna here is pushing forty, perhaps older if she’s had surgery. Sure, in a dimly light nightclub she’d be worth a drunken bit of arseplay, but when you wake up in the morning to see Shonna illuminated in the stark and judgmental dawn light, drooling slightly with smeared mascara, her bingo wings settled on the mattress and evidence of her three pregnancies making itself more than known on her flapping stomach, you will know the horrid truth, a truth that seems to go really well with that hangover you’ve got.

Shonna Wrikeletits isn’t fooling anyone, but she’s probably got a buggering fuckload of experience, making her worth at least one ride on the bike.

My Score: 7 (unable to leave score as I forgot to switch to unisex before appraisal)
Site Score: 9.1
Analysis: Guys, you can give her all the high scores in the world, she’s not going to fuck you.

3. Maureen Munchkin:

Okay, what the fuck is up with that hair? Who puts straight and curly together? That’s like mixing chocolate with salt. At the back she’s all dark curls, at the front it’s all straight, emo, My Chemical Romance shit. That just looks fucking stupid, and it’s a shame because outside of that, she’s actually quite attractive.

Good eyes, dusky skin tone, significantly sized busters. The nose is a bit opulent, but otherwise, a pretty solid specimen. Definitely worth squirting a chunk of it up her arse and then tossing her out like a used, spent rag. Sexism is so hilarious.

My Score: 8
Site Score: 9.3
Analysis: Not surprised. If the last two were capable of getting nines, this bitch was a shoe-in

4. Constance Misery III

Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear oh dear. Look out guys, here comes a baaad girl, and she’s gonna chew you up and spit you out! So, what do we think led to this … disaster that is her physical appearance? Raped in college? Abused by her dad as a kid? They’ve always got some tragic story — probably made up — that they use to justify looking and acting like a complete penis.

I’m sorry dear, but the dog collar, crucifix and eyeliner shit was getting old in the mid-nineties. By 2009, it’s like looking in a fucking history book. And what in the name of buggering blue Christ are you wearing Steampunk goggles on your head for, you stupid bitch? Oh, and those earrings look like mucus is hanging off the side of your head.

This is a shame, because underneath all the motherfucking shit, it’s quite obvious that there’s an attractive female face buried somewhere. Unfortunately, while some girls are capable of pulling off the goth/punk thing quite well, this person does not. This marks the difference between Marilyn Manson and Robert Smith. Without the makeup, she’d have got a high score, with all this paraphernalia, I’m afraid she has to suffer.

My Score: 3
Site Score: 7,3
Analysis: I guess people love Steampunk

5. Yasmin Bluetooth

Okay, what the fuck?

This might have been sexier if she wasn’t sat next to a big bottle of 7UP, which kind of takes the sultry atmosphere out of the scenario. Even so, she looks fucking ridiculous. Her face resembles Jas Mann, the lead singer of obscure nineties one-hit-wonder Babylon Zoo. The exposed shoulder look just looks wrong and out of place, and why is that DIRTY cunt putting her bare feet on kitchen surfaces!? People have to prepare their food on that!

Disgusting behavior from someone who is trying to act far sexier than she actually is, thereby accentuating how unsexy she actually happens to be. Kind of like putting a mortar board on a down’s syndrome — it somehow makes them look stupider.

My Score: 3
Site Score: 8.7
Analysis: People are very easily fooled

6. Unisex Unigen

I’m not sure if this one’s meant to be a male or female. The eyes are quite feminine, but the hair looks like something Keanu fucking Reeves would have. I guess it looks alright, but could this moron have chosen a smaller photograph? Well, it could have, but that’s not the point.

Stupid photo = stupid person, and stupidity isn’t very attractive. I wouldn’t kick it out of bed, and I guess finding out whether there’s a cock or a cunt adds a bit of a mystery. Makes me nostalgic for school fairs where they’d have those lucky dip things. Only there was mess penis involved in lucky dips … sometimes.

My Score: 5
Site Score: 7
Analysis: Bisexuality is in season!

7. Baron Lambchop

Woah! It’s like, the hair’s good, the eyes are good, the nose is good, MOUTH ATTACK! The whole cheekbone structure, mouth and chin makes her look like a Mr. Punch puppet. Those teeth could probably bite through solid steel, as well. I really wouldn’t feel comfortable putting my cock into what is, apparently, a real-life Sarlacc Pit.

Remember, these people put themselves into the public arena and ask us to judge them on something so vapid as whether or not they are hot. They really don’t deserve mercy, and that is why I’m going to say that this woman is a massive-mouthed fucking whore who needs plastic surgery so she doesn’t look like she’s got Cherub’s Disease.

My Score: 3
Site Score: 9.2
Analysis: Standards, the general public does not have them

8. Bitchtrousers Pennywhistle

Ugh, it’s the oldest trick in the book. Look at her face — actually look at it. Bitch be ugly, and there’s no denying that. She looks like that freaky little cunt from Moomin. However, she’s submitted a photograph of herself in a bikini, and that means she’s going to get a high score. The predictability of the average male is kind of disgusting, but it’s going to work and there’s nothing we can do about it.

As for me, I think this woman is fucking horrible looking. The face is harsh and angular and weaselly. The body is alright, but I’m afraid I’m one of those people who DO look at the mantelpiece when stoking the fire, and if the mantel is covered in shit, then somebody else can rub those motherfucking twigs together.

My Score: 1
Site Score: 9.6
Analysis: Pathetic. Utterly pathetic.

9. M People

Another one with a massive mouth, but she’s alright looking. I’ve noticed we haven’t had any men this time, which is a shame. The men that submit themselves to this site are usually where the comedy lies, but unfortunately I have to play the cards as they’re dealt. We’re committed to randomness on AIHoN, which means I judge ten pictures in a row, no matter what they are.

And there’s very little to say about this one, hence the above totally unwarranted paragraph.

My Score: 7
Site Score: 9.3
Analysis: At this rate, I’m beginning to think that you just have to be a woman and thing in order to get at least an eight. Stupid fucking men.

10. Kevin

We reach the end of our journey, and this snaggletoothed biddy is our final farewell. She’s not completely hideous, but she looks a little weird if you ask me. Like she might be a monster wearing a humanoid mask. She’s also incredibly plain and probably quite dowdy, so you won’t even convince her to take it up the arse. Because everybody knows that arse sex is the only real sex.

Meh, she’s alright. But utterly mediocre.

My Score: 5
Site Score: I can’t remember
Analysis: Again, she’s female and not fat. Was probably a nine.

Category: Comedy | // 11 Comments »